This year I’ve lost friends, they’ve not died, they’ve just buggered off. I’ve lost guinea pigs, they didn’t bugger off, they actually died and I’ve lost weight. Lolz, jokes, who the hell has lost weight in 2020? I’ve gained a stone and a half and at least 50 inches around my waist. (What is a “waist”?)
Last year as the clock turned to midnight I jumped into our private pool in Bali and shouted “I’m 30 years old!” while feeling smug that in UK time I was still technically in my 20’s. I promised myself that this year I would take care of myself more and do things that make me happy.
China had other ideas… I’m joking, of course I’m not saying that it’s China’s fault that millions have died and the economies of the world are ruined beyond repair. I’m saying it’s the meat-eaters fault. No eating animals = no pandemics. And no, I don’t want to hear any alternative arguments thank you very much. “But the plague wasn’t caused by people eating rats” OH JUST SHUT UP AND WISH ME A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Anyone who has been keeping abreast of my situation this year will know that my wedding was cancelled, my honeymoon was knocked on the head and my dream of moving to Edinburgh was well and truly shat on.
But the first year of my 30’s hasn’t been all tears and banana bread. I started my 30’s by reading Eckhart Tolle’s books and meditating and it’s really changed my life, for I am now living as a hippie in a commune on the outskirts of San Francisco. Ok, so I’m still in my two-bed flat in West Sussex, BUT mentally I’m at one with the Universe and Edinburgh is in the Universe so really I am in Edinburgh, mentally, just not psychically. (Does this work with other things? “Mentally I’m in the office, but physically I’m in the bath eating cookies”).
Meditation and spirituality have helped me with my mental health issues and encouraged me to re-evaluate what I’m doing with my life, what bits are good and what bits make me feel like sticking my head in the oven.
I used to think that buying things made me happy, but materialistic things will never make you happy, this might come as a bit of a downer to those who have just run up some serious credit card debt on Black Friday, but buying the best car, the latest phone or any other thing that you think makes you superior will never fill your soul with happiness. You’ll always want something else, and that’s where spirituality comes in #Namste. Christ, I sound like one of those religious people who visit tribes in the Amazon trying to sell the idea of Jesus to people with sticks.
Other things I’ve done this year include running a half marathon, I’ve stopped taking my antidepressants (I’m on week one of being off them totally so watch out for the next few weeks where I fuck shit up and actually do end up in some sort of commune.) I had a lot of therapy in 2020 which helped take the blanket off of the box of mental fuckery I had been keeping hidden in my mind. AND I perfected the skill of mouth popping (Drag Race fans will understand), I can do really loud amazing mouth pops, but at the beginning of the year I could only make a sound that resembled slurping. Which is proof that if you practice something enough (even if it annoys your partner to the point of divorce) then you will eventually succeed.
To conclude this review of the 1st year in my 30’s, I would say it had good bits, like when I was in Bali swimming naked in my own pool with my baps out, and it’s had bad bits, like everything that happened after that. Obviously, next year is going to be better than this one, HA, YOU SAY THAT NOW! But it has to be better than this one, surely…
Next year I’m going to finish writing and publish my shit hot book that I’m working on, I’m going to move to Edinburgh with Suz, get a dog and travel around the world, PLUS, I’ve stocked up on so much hand sanitiser that I will never be in a position like I was in March where I was considering paying some bloke on Facebook Marketplace £10 for half a bottle of Carex.