In my 20’s I took zero risks, hardly went out, turned my strengths into weaknesses and ate a lot of dough. But it’s ok because I’m 30 in a few days and I think it’s fantastic because not only do I now have a legitimate reason for going home early on a night out, but I’m also closer to death.
Also, I’m totally fine about being 30 because my life is an absolute delight and I’ve already totally nailed this adulthood thing.
Oh, except I haven’t…
I spent most of my 20’s on antidepressants, being overweight and avoiding phone calls. Now I’m ending my 20’s still on antidepressants, a little bit lighter and a little less reluctant to avoid phone calls. But there’s still a long way to go.
For my 30th birthday, my fiance and I are going to Bangkok and Bali because we’re right fancy bitches. Plus we have no kids so we can afford long-haul holibobs. Also, I still feel too young to have kids, when I hear that people I went to school with have kids I think “WHAT?! But it was only the other day that we were eating cookies and lying about starting our periods.”
I was a bit shit in my 20’s. See I thought that my 20’s would work out like this:
- I’d move to London, meet loads of lesbians, have banging sex, get a banging job in central London. Go out to lunch with banging coworkers and party all night before waking up, looking absolutely banging before doing it all again. Lots of banging.
Here’s what actually happened:
- I moved to Kent, met one maybe two lesbians, had sex, got a job in central London, had lonely suicidal lunches, went to bed early before waking up and quitting my “dream” London job rendering me unemployed.
Miraculously I managed to find a good job, find the most amazing woman to spend my life with and eventually buy my own house but still, I feel that my 30’s is where it’s all going to start getting really great.
People say that it’s not good to have regrets but people can’t be trusted so here are my regrets from the first 29 years of my life that I hope, nae, bloody will, learn from:
- I stayed in, like, loads. Jenna doesn’t go out, nor does she answer phone calls (as previously mentioned) and neither does she say yes to social events that sound like they will stop her from being in bed by 9:30pm
- I ate my feelings, and loads of saturated fat, refined sugar and simple carbohydrates. Delicious.
Here are some things that I’m super fabulously smashingly thrilled that I did in my 20’s:
- I did stand up comedy and started writing blogs and doing vlogs. You’re welcome
- I met this super hot babe and she agreed to marry me
- I became the mother of guinea pigs
But it’s clear to me that I need to change things because I’m letting this depression, anxiety and general existential crisis take over my life and I’m struggling to find any meaning or purpose. Anyone got a violin?
On a lighter note, here are a few things that I am totes looking forward to doing in my 30’s:
- Having kids, lolz jokes, no thank you
- Taking more naps
- Having more adventurous wanks
- Discovering Radio 4
- And finally, always having a stash of biscuits for unexpected visitors. Bollocks, that’ll never happen. I’ll eat the biscuits before they even reach the cupboard and I don’t open the door to unexpected visitors. Even if I am expecting visitors there’s always a bit inside that hopes they don’t turn up, so if you’re thinking of tipping up unexpected, I wouldn’t.
I feel like turning 30 is like being reborn, but for this birth I’ll be sipping on a coconut in Indonesia rather than being pushed out of my mother’s vagina in Bromley.