If you’re just dying to be my Valentine because you’ve heard how funny I am, how good I am in the sack, or how big my bank balance is (two truths and a lie, Jenna, not three lies), then here are my rules:
Does she think that I also have abs? I don’t have abs!
I mean, I do actually have abs, as in abdominal muscles; it’s just you can’t see them under the layers of cheeseburgers, doughnuts and beer.
I can’t wear a rainbow armband because of my religion… but hey, check out my gambling sponsor! Footballers, LGBT rights, and a whole lot of hypocrisy
Are you a sad and lonely lesbian? Sucks to be you! But that’s beside the point. What you need to do is join some lesbian dating apps! Here’s some seriously unhelpful tips…
It’s been 3 minutes and you’ve not replied… You are now dead to me. Even if you were on fire and I had just drunk 12 gallons of Pepsi Max, I would still not piss on you. Because, as I said, you are dead to me.
“Why do lesbians dress like men?” people scream at me while I’m shopping at the Army Outfitters. Well, here is why…
A funny love letter to my girlfriend who is in no way imaginary and has definitely not driven me straight from the dating scene into an asylum
As a lesbian, it’s a shame I’ll never marry a man—mainly because you guys earn more. I could really use a breadwinner so I could stay home… eating bread.