You may think that Windsor is full of royals, tourists and a fuck load of swans. And you’d be right, the place is bloody full of them.
We didn’t realise when we booked our weekend trip to Windsor that the Queen would be there, brilliant let’s go and have tea with her Maj. No, she clearly had other plans as the castle was closed to the public, which was either due to Covid restrictions or the fact that the Queen had heard of our arrival and didn’t want to see us, so rude.
Everything we saw in Windsor was “the Queen’s”, oh look at those swans, “they’re the Queen’s swans”, oh look at those horses! “They’re the Queen’s horses”, oh look at that Eton College boy sniffing cocaine in a doorway! “That’s the Queen’s drugged up future Prime Minister!”
Windsor is clean, really fucking clean and beautiful, especially by the river, and did I mention that it’s also well posh? And I say that as someone who has in the past been mistaken for a posh person.
Yes, Eton, the local private boy’s school was home to 19 Prime Ministers, but you can tell a place is proper toff by the state of their CeX (2nd hand game exchange place), the Windsor store doesn’t require a proof of purchase for items you want to sell. Croydon‘s CeX however, needs proof of purchase, a visa and a signature from your parole officer, just in case you’ve nicked the 28 PS4s you’ve brought in to sell.
Other interesting facts about Windosr:
- There are posh people here
- There are rich people here
- There are posh rich people here
- There are also tourists
As I walked down the high street towards the castle I was served tourist tatt eleganza extravaganza. You want a royal butt plug? You got one! If you can fit a picture of a royal on something, you will find it in Windsor. The place is also littered with Union Jack flags like the place is preparing for the last street party on earth.
Shops and cafe are not too dumb as to name their businesses something boring and traditional, no, if you’ve come to Windsor, you don’t want to buy ice cream from a place called “The Vanilla Bean” SNOOZE! You want to get yourself a huge cone from “ICE QUEEEEEEN”!
You can also have yourself a roast dinner in the “Crown and Cushion” or purchase a large bottle of Frosty Jack in the “Peasants o Windsor” off-license. Or you can just join all the non-social distancing delightful town folk in the massive queue for Wetherspoons.
Overall Windsor is pretty, the Great Park is beautiful, the boat trip we took down the river was glorious and the place is lovely for a weekend. Anything more and you’d probably bore your tits off.