Going to Bali for my 30th birthday

You know those people who are all wanky and go to Bali to practice meditation and wellness and stuff. Well, I did that for my 30th birthday and it was bloody smashing.

We flew to Bangkok and stayed there for a few days which was a) fun and b) smelly. Like, so smelly. We took a wrong turning one day and went down an “authentic Bangkok” street and it smelt worse than my belly button.

As we arrived in Bali we were greeted with a beautiful flowery smell (an improvement already) and the most incredible hotel, it was made up of private villas with private plunge pools and large patio areas. No, I’m not a rich bitch, accommodation is just very cheap in Bali.

It was so luxurious that I felt like one of those Kardashian women when they went to Bora Bora.

Everyone rides a motorbike in Bali, whether you’re an Aussie tourist going to the beach or a Balinese person with 5 family members carrying your weekly shopping home, everyone does it on two wheels. Apart from us, because we’re shit scared of dying so we just walked and got taxis. (Taxis were ridiculously cheap, so get that image of me having some dollar out of your mind).

It’s illegal to be a lesbian in Indonesia, but Bali is a bit more chilled out about those sorts of things so we didn’t feel uncomfortable at all. In fact, the only time I felt uncomfortable was when the shop assistants kept shouting at us that they had “big big sizes” when Suz and I walked past and looked briefly at a t-shirt. ALRIGHT MATE WE GET IT, WE’RE TWO FATSOS WHO ARE LIKELY TO BE TRICKED INTO PAYING 400X NORMAL PRICE FOR FAKE BRANDS.

As the countdown to my 30th birthday began I was in my jeans, t-shirt and jumper ready to jump into the pool in my clothes.

10, 9, 8-

‘Oh look a cricket!’ I yelled excitedly, pointing at the rather large crawley thing behind Suz.

‘That’s not a cricket! That’s a cockroach!’ Shrieked Suz

3, 2, 1 SPLASH!

‘Yay, I’m 30! THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST DECADE EVER.’

30 seconds later…

‘Oh look, the cockroach is coming towards the pool, don’t worry I’ll get this glass here and catch it.’ Well, with all the stealthiness and ninja reflexes of a dead kangaroo I drunkenly hovered the glass over the cockroach at which point it decided to run towards me, I then screamed (shrieked like a 3-year-old), dropped the glass which smashed all over the patio and the cockroach jumped into the pool.

Welcome to my 30’s.

We did all the lovely tourist crap that people do in Bali, you know like get a really deep and meaningful tattoo, drink cocktails on a beanbag and have a go on the Bali swing (which is terrifying but also hilarious to watch all the Instagram influencers spend 20 minutes trying to get the perfect impulsive shot of them upside down with their hair spelling out #Bali).

We also went to the monkey forest (where a monkey tried to steal my Coke can) and to the rice fields which were beautiful, especially with the HUMUNGOUS amount of rain, thunder and lightning that was going on. It was so exciting, I almost came in my pants.

During our holibobs I awoke every day and meditated by the pool before exercising my chakras and reading those spiritual books by Eckhart Tolle. Yes, those books are a bit wanky, but sod me sideways “The Power of Now” is the best mental health/self-help book I’ve ever read. If like me, you’ve got crippling depression and anxiety then I highly recommend you buy and read that before deciding to top yourself.

Go to Bali, everyone must go there. It’s so beautiful, so hot and so full of stray dogs and Aussies, both of which were very pleasant.

But when I say it was hot I mean HOT DAMNNNNNN! I will leave you with this story of just how hot it was: on the last night I booked a special romantic meal to be delivered onto our patio and the pool to be filled with rose petals (god, I’m such a fucking catch) but it was so hot that in between each course we had to take it in turns to go into the villa, stand under the air conditioning system and wipe the sweat from our backs.

Not the romantic evening I’d planned… And no we didn’t have sex afterwards, IT WAS THAT HOT.