A good bra is like a good friend, supportive, reliable and constantly touching your boobs.
When I lost a lot of weight, my boobs got smaller – however, now that I’ve put on about half a stone (seriously, that’s a good result), the weight has gone straight back onto my jubblies.
Finally, I’ve got my bazoongas back. Oh, but this does mean that I have to buy some more boob hammocks.
Crap.
Bras, like children are an expensive nuisance and that’s why I’m never having kids. But unfortunately, I’m stuck with these breasts (and also unlike my friend who is so flat-chested that she doesn’t wear a bra, I am fairly well endowed), so I took my fine self shopping to buy:
- A yoga bra: purely for comfort
- A day bra: mix of comfort and fashion
- A sexy bra: purely for the arousal of others, no comfort here whatsoever
- Industry strength sports bra: seriously, these puppies need strapping down
- A shit load of refined sugar: to get over the hell of trying on 600 bras in a changing room that’s the size of a cupboard that even Harry Potter would be like “Jesus, it’s a bit cramped in here”.
Having boobs is not only expensive, but it’s also exhausting because you’re constantly having to change bras. My friend and I either play tennis together, or we go for lunches and coffee dates, and we decide on which we do depending on which bra we can be bothered to put on.
“Bollocks, I’m not wrestling these things into a sports bra, let’s just go to the pub”.
When one has a pair of knockers, sport has to be pre-planned.
Imagine being a man and being able to impulsively run whenever you want. Imagine not being ruled by your hormones every month. Imagine being listened to, imagine being respected-
Anyway, back to the fun bags.
There’s no relief quite like taking your bra off at the end of the day.
Sometimes I go walking along the beach at night, however, by the time I go for my walk I’ve had my bra off for at least 4 hours, so I just hide the girls under a coat. Luckily, it’s cold and dark enough for me to do this, though summer is coming…
Crap.
Maybe I should lose some more weight so they’ll shrink down to the size of my friend’s and I won’t need a bra.
Nah, I think I’ll just turn into that woman who goes around the town braless.
I was always going to end up that way.
“Who’s that weird woman, Mummy?”
“Oh, that’s Jiggling Jenna. Stay away from her, darling”.