When going on a first date, one must, of course, hide their crap tattoos, shortcomings and unfavourable personality traits. Otherwise, how is anyone ever going to like you?
But what else should a lesbian hide when she first meets a potential partner? Well, I’m bloody well glad you asked:
1) Attachment style
Obviously, there’s only a tiny handful of “secure” lesbians out there, which means the rest of us either have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, but there’s no need to declare which flavour of crazy you are during the first encounter.
Let them slowly discover your desperate neediness or propensity to be a dismissive, cold fish. And who knows, maybe you’re like me, with a disorganised attachment style, which means your style varies and you’re as inconsistent as my bowel movements.
2) Bowel movements
Don’t mention your bowel movements. It’s not sexy to talk about poo.
3) Exes
Girlfriends often stay friends after they break up (though obviously not all of them) and this can be lovely, but it can also be a bit tricky if your new potential partner is a bit of a sensitive Sally and doesn’t want you being friends.
Which I guess is fair, as some lesbians take a while (read: fucking forever) to get over their exes. But there again, some women get over their exes very quickly. Sharon who? Never heard of her.
So, just don’t talk about your exes. Unless you’re having a shitter of a time and really don’t want a second date. Works for me… Christ this is boring, let’s bring up the ex so we never meet again.
4) Your wallet
If she really liked you, she’d pay. And if she doesn’t – well then you’re probably not going to see her again so it doesn’t matter if you come across as cheap.
5) Your job
I don’t like to tell my dates that I’m a writer and comedy goon, because then they’ll Google me and end up getting the right impression of me. And I don’t want them to get the right impression of me – I want them to think that I’m charming, effortlessly cool and totally sane.
They don’t need to know that I’m a prize A idiot with a tendency to self-sabotage and an unhealthy obsession with tennis. Yes, what I lack in mental well-being, I make up for in hobbies, but my date has a lifetime to learn about that.
6) Mental health
This brings me to mental health: mental health issues aren’t exclusive to lesbians (in fact I’ve never met a person who doesn’t have some sort of mental fuggery going on), but a lot of us lezzies aren’t that well upstairs.
You may think that this means we’ll have something in common with our date, and whilst that’s true, I don’t know whether “I also get nightly panic attacks” is quite the conversational foreplay one is after.
So there you have it; keep your baggage hidden, reveal your crazy slowly, and only after your date has fallen in love with you should you start being your true self.
All of those red flags will be a nice surprise (bunting, yay) and something to talk about during those inevitable couple’s counselling sessions that you’ll have six months into your relationship after you realised you fell in love, moved in and married far too quickly.
Lol, as if – Lesbians don’t move in after six months, that’s far too long.
If you enjoyed this, why not take a look at my short funny guide on how to be a lesbian, available here.