I took myself to the hairdressers because a) I needed my bush cut (the one on my head) and 2) I needed to put a shift in in the self-care department.
Going to the hairdressers normally gives me anxiety because 1) I’m not a fan of making small talk with people I have nothing in common with and b) I always come out of the salon with a hairdo that’s too short and just encourages strangers to call me “sir”.
“Do you have a picture of what you want?” The hairdresser asks.
“Yes, but it’s of Harry Styles” I laugh. For God sake Jenna, if you don’t want to look like a boy then don’t take a picture of a bloody boy into the hairdressers with you!
“Do you have another picture?”
“I have a couple of others” I say as I show her the 1,000s of hair pictures on my Pinterest board.
“Great, ok let’s get you washed”
“Just my hair?”
“Yes, please put your clothes back on madam”.
Never stop rubbing my scalp
The minimum charge at my hairdressers is £40. And the only way they get away with that shit is because they always provide a head massage when they’re washing your hair.
There’s a mirror in front of the washbasin, so the hairdresser can see my face/neck/chins as she slowly rubs my scalp.
As I get my gorgeous head massage, a thought starts to creep in…
What face should I be pulling?
Obviously, I want her to see that I’m enjoying the head massage, but how much should I appear to be enjoying it? Should I close my eyes? Is that too much?
I also have a habit of licking my lips, is it ok do that or is it a bit suggestive?
Am I humming with enjoyment or did I imagine that? Oh God, this feels so good. Is that dribble on my chin?
“Right, back to the chair”. She says aggressively wrapping the towel round my head.
The dreaded small talk
Most hairdressers pick up on the fact that I’m not a chatty Cathy and they just ask me the very minimum, like:
“Do you want a drink?”, “Did you bring a coat?” and “Would you like a discount for being so sexy?”
To be fair the small talk wasn’t too bad… But I did have to pretend to be interested in topics that I’m not interested in, aka, her kids, the Queen’s upcoming Platty Jubes and the new Aldi by the roundabout.
Maybe next time I should try and dictate the topics of conversations…
Future visits to the salon
“Hi, I’m Jenna and here are my pre-approved topics of conversation for this haircut: the new Wilson Clash V2 tennis racket, Nadal’s beautiful left bicep and anything to do with Kate Winslet. If you have nothing to add to these topics then please remain silent and I will still tip you at least 5% at the end. Unless you’ve made me look like a boy. In which case I will probably tip you more because I don’t want you to feel bad for doing such a shit job.”
Now rub my head and don’t look at my face.