It’s been three minutes and you’ve not replied… You are now dead to me. Even if you were on fire and I had just drunk 12 gallons of Pepsi Max, I would still not piss on your burning body.
Because, as I said, you are dead to me.
You’re busy? Yeah, we’re all busy mate, everyone is busy, well I mean, I’m not busy and that’s why I have a quicker response time than Alexa, but still, even Kate Winslet texts her friends back quickly and I imagine she’s super busy (with those restraining orders she keeps putting out against me).
While I understand that I do not get to have access to you 24 hours a day (as you are asleep for 8 and on the toilet for 2), I should have access to you for around 16 hours a day, and even longer on Saturdays because you’re in da club until 4am.
Text response time is a sign of respect, a quick and eloquent response with the perfect balance of text, emojis and conversation is a sign that you value me as a person. So, if you take two hours to reply and your response is to simply react with a thumbs up, well then my friend, you can just go and fuck yourself.
Unless you’re too busy, of course.
You may say that I’m being overdramatic and while that might be true, that just makes me more angry because you’ve got time to judge my highly triggered response, but not to actually reply to my text.
This just confirms my stance that you, and I can’t stress this enough, are dead to me.
Sometimes I wish we could go back to pigeon post, because if I didn’t hear back then it’s clearly because the pigeon died or got eaten by a poor person. Whereas in these days of modern technology, we can instantly communicate through multiple platforms. Whatsapp tells me you read the message one minute after receiving it. So where’s the reply? Is WhatsApp down? No matter, there’s always Facebook Messenger, Instagram and SnapChat, or you could even comment on one of my Youtube videos. Is Bebo still a thing?
Regardless, there is zero excuse for non-instantenous communication.
I’m going to be the grown up here and say that this friendship is clearly over. Thanks for the memories, the incredibly thoughtful birthday gifts, the fabulous nights in da club, the emotional support you gave me and everything you’ve ever done. But seriously, my friendship with you rides on your text response time only and you’ve shown yourself to be a right shitter.
Congrats on being slower than my metabolism.
Up yours,
Jenna
*5 seconds later*
“Phone pings”
Oh yay she’s replied! Of course I’ll go for a drink with you, I’ll be there in 5 seconds!!