Hi Jenna, it’s me/you and I’m writing to you from the future. No, there aren’t any flying cars but there was a pandemic, we have a few wars going on, and our water bill just went up. But other than that it’s alright…
I know you think you’re fat now… HA! You have no idea. I won’t tell you what to do (because you’re just a moody teenager who wouldn’t listen anyway), but try to stop mainlining carbs and eat something that isn’t beige or brown.
Here is a bit of friendly advice from your older self who has very much got her shit together:
1) You’re going to want to get a tattoo on your arm at 17. Don’t… It looks crap.
You’re also going to want to get one on your back at 19, don’t do that either because when people ask to see it we have to expose our hairy back and that’s just awkward.
(Oh yeah, we grow hair on our back, I know… Blame Dad. But don’t worry, we can afford bleaching cream and razors).
b) You’re going to be a people pleaser and hide your true weird self in the hope that people will like you more. They won’t… Just be “weird Jenna”, it’s much more fun.
iii) Red flags are not pretty bunting to run towards… you are not a bull, run away from these red flags. Oh yeah sorry, you’re a teenager, you don’t run. Alright, well, awkwardly sulk away then.
4) You’re going to go to Portugal and slice your foot open on a boat propeller. Definitely DO do that again, because now you have a cool scar on your foot that hurts when Voldermort is near.
You know that picture of Geri Halliwell that used to be on your wall? You liked looking at it, didn’t you? But you didn’t know why you liked looking at it, right?
Yeeeeeeah, that’ll all make sense in about 6 months.
I know you haven’t found your tribe yet, but let me tell you, in 17 years’ time you will find your tribe. YOU! Yes, that’s right, we are our own tribe and we have a handshake and monthly meetings and everything. Sure, the Christmas party is a bit quiet, but babes, we’re all we need.
One thing I regret not learning at your age (apart from emotional regulation, self-esteem, and the importance of authenticity) is tennis. So, if you could kindly drag yourself to the local tennis courts, that’d be fab. Future Jenna needs at least another 15 years of experience under her belt in order to a) win more tournaments and b) pull more hot female tennis players.
Yes, I said female, like I said before, it’ll all make sense in about 6 months.
Now, turn off your emo music, put down that razor and pick up a sodding tennis racket because we really could’ve done with learning as a child…
I don’t care what you say, you ARE a child, now go and clean your room.
May the odds be ever in your favour,
Older, saggier Jenna
P.s. No pressure but if you could also sort your shit out now it would really save us a lot of money in therapy later…