Are you a sad and lonely lesbian? Sucks to be you! But that’s beside the point. What you need to do is join some lesbian dating apps!
No longer do we live in a world of straight-only dating apps; there’s now a dating platform for everyone. Are you a bald, disabled vegan who suffers from extreme bloating? Then sign up for Balding Hearts and Vegan Farts!
Lesbian Dating Apps and Stigma
Yes, there’s still a tiny bit of a stigma about finding someone online, but who the fluff has time, money, or energy to go to a bar to meet someone when you can just find someone while sitting on the toilet?
I know couples who met online, had unprotected sex, quickly got married before the child was born so it wouldn’t be a bastard (by birth, anyway), and it’s only now seven years later that they’re getting divorced. Romantic af.
Creating Your Profile
Let’s be honest: the picture is the most important part of your profile. You might be hilarious and have the most incredible personality, but if you look like a moose, I’m swiping left—or is it right? I don’t know which way to swipe because I’m in a committed relationship with the voices in my head.
Ensure that your profile picture is just of you and doesn’t feature any weird stuff you have. For example, if you’re really into gimp masks, maybe save that until the third date instead of having your entire collection in your picture.
Do:
- Be lighthearted and fun—unless you’re not lighthearted and fun, in which case, just be yourself.
- Smile in your photo—unless you have bad teeth, then just stick to a mysterious smirk.
- Write what you want and not what you think other people want to read—If you’re a crackhead with bad breath, then put that; be your true self.
Don’t:
- Write too little.
- Write too much.
- Be a dick (in life in general, not just on lesbian dating sites).
- Be negative—Even if you’re a real pessimistic Polly, just slowly release your negativity over the course of the relationship rather than dumping it on your date straight away.
Don’t Just Say “Hi”
When you compose a message, think about what message you’d like to receive. Because “Hi” isn’t the panty-dropper you think it is.
But don’t write a huge essay and reveal everything before you’ve even met, because then you’ll have zero things to talk about when you do meet. For example, if you’ve got three legs and a fourth eye, then keep that for the first date; everyone loves surprises.
Also, don’t just sit chatting on the app for months on end before meeting; a pen pal isn’t going to squeeze the spots on your back or save you from yourself during those long winter nights like a real person will.
When I was on the apps, I’d win my dates over with my first message (and obviously my ridiculously good looks, humongous sex appeal, and hilarious sense of humour). I’d read through the nice lady’s profile and then mention the bits that I’m interested in.
For example, “Oh, you’re from Scotland? I too, have an alcohol problem.” And then I’d send her a picture of my huge jugs.
Women were queuing up to date me*.
*Lies, all lies.
3 comments
One of my dating profile pictures has you in it… Don’t hate me!!! 🙂
hahaha brilliant! I hope I look fabulous darling :*
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