I don’t want to seem like the most selfish prick on earth, but when can I go on holiday again? I know that there’s a horrendous pandemic going on but it’d still be going on whether I’m having a panic attack in my living room or sipping on a piña colada while floating down a lazy river like something from a Wham music video.
We were due to go to Mexico in March for our honeymoon, or as I keep annoyingly calling it, our honeybobs, but our honeybobs, like our wedding, was cancelled. However, unlike with our wedding we actually got a refund for our honeybobs, our wedding venue have decided it’s best if they keep all the money. Which is nice of them.
I digress. I bloody love going on holiday, it feels like nothing is as enjoyable as just being in the moment and everything else is either not important or has zero consequences.
For example, I can eat chocolate doughnuts dipped in cheese for every meal when on holiday because holiday calories aren’t real calories. This theory also applies to alcohol consumed and fags smoked.
When I’m at home I feel depressed, fat and hopeless, but when I’m travelling I feel depressed, fat and warm. See! The hopelessness goes away, so really it’s the best thing for my mental health (and my wife’s sanity) that I be immediately transported to a far away destination.
Yeah, so these air bridges that the news keep banging on about, when are they coming? Can I get a direct air bridge back to that place in Bali where I went for my 30th birthday? And can we then just close the air bridge afterwards so no other dickheads get through?
Please don’t think that I’m some sort of snobbish privileged asshole who only holidays in Bali, I’ll happily slum it and go to Cornwall for a week. I draw the line at Bognor Regis. But the cost of going to Cornwall is pretty expensive, for example if I don’t want to stay in a hostel room with 12 other people/potential murderers then it’s about £900 for a week. A WEEK! And that only includes breakfast. I can eat a lot of breakfast, but I doubt I can eat £128 worth a day. Although of course I will happily rise to the challenge.
Suz and I were also talking about going glamping. I said I’d go glamping but only if the place had a private shower, a mini bar and four walls made of brick, she said like a hotel? I said yeah, if you think that would be best.
So yes, we are all in this shitshow but I don’t see why I can’t be in a shitshow while getting a tan or buying tourist tatt for my mother. Suz and I have this dream where we quit our jobs and just spend a year or so travelling the world and since this pandemic started I’ve never wanted to do it more, probably because I’ve never been able to do it less.
I can’t wait to go back to the time when it’s my mind that stops me from doing things, rather than the government. The bastards.