Dear my therapist – I need help again bbz

Hi, it’s your favourite self-defeatist lezzie nut job here.

I know we broke up a few months ago because a) I thought that I was totally healed and no longer needed our sessions (lol) and b) the current “holy shit, how much are cucumbers?” cost of living crisis meant that I could no longer afford to pay you £50 to listen to me wang on for an hour – but I need your help again.

Since we parted I’ve been coming off of my antidepressants – I’m four months in and I haven’t put my head in the oven yet, success! But I’m not going to lie, it’s been a bit of a kick in the fanny lately.

I’m ovulating at the moment, which we both know makes me a very emotional little goose – so much so that I spent most of yesterday crying in a random park eating discounted biscuits. A new low? Ha, not even close…

Anyhoozlebees, in a few days this ovulation sadness will turn into a firey pit of PMT rage, so that’s something to look forward to.

I’m writing to you because I’m struggling bbz. Is it ok to call you bbz? Are we there yet? Yes, I think we are. Basically bbz, these last few weeks have been a bit of a challenge in the old mental health departmento, and I’m trying my best to remember the things that you said to help me cope.

I remember you saying: “That’ll be £50 please” and “Can you stop bringing up new problems five minutes before the session finishes?” – But other than that I’m at a loss.

Oh, actually I remember you saying that I’m worthy, I can’t remember how or why, but I am. Oh fantastic, how thrilling!

You also said: “You must keep striving and reaching for things” What, like another wagon wheel? I think you need to be more specific…

I also remember you telling me to read all those self-help books that are cluttering up my second bedroom – I’ve got so many that I believe Channel 5 might be around soon to feature me in a hoarders documentary.

Anyway, I think it’s time I booked in another session with you. There’s a few little challenges coming up soon and it’d be super smashing to talk to you about them. Even if I do have to pay you the equivalent of 50 cucumbers per session.

Until we meet again,

Jenna

P.s. Do you actually accept cucumbers as payment?