I’ve just turned 34, which means that yes, I’ve outlived Jesus, but have I actually achieved anything close to him?
No.
My name is not a form of profanity.
My mum is not a virgin
And my dad has never done a hard day’s work in his life.
Thankfully, there’s still time for me to beat him in the achievement arena. Christ, I could be the second coming. Though that does sound like an awful lot of bother. If you want to come twice then we’re gonna have to change the bed sheets, so let’s just cuddle.
To celebrate my 34th birthday I’ve come to Ayia Napa. (I’m trying to get out of my comfort zone more and being surrounded by wild parties, drug-fuelled raves and Neanderthals who vape, is definitely out of my comfort zone.)
However, it would seem that I’ve come to Ayia Napa during the off-season, so everywhere is shut and no one is here. Even the ATMs say “See you in April!”.
If I knew that leaving my comfort zone would mean that I’d be faced with peaceful silence, zero queues and essentially, my own private pool, then I’d have left it earlier.
There’s a tennis court at my hotel with free equipment rental, but unfortunately, I have no one to play with and the 3 stray cats refused my offer of a doubles game. Bastards.
Anyhoobies, yes I’m slowly stumbling towards my mid-30’s, but I still feel like a child.
Facebook tells me that the kids I went to school with are now married and have multiple kids, and here’s me trying to encourage some stray cats to play tennis.
Also, when my friend asked me where I wanted to go for my “let’s take Jenna out to celebrate her birthday” day, I chose a specific farm in Sussex for the sole reason that it offers guinea pig cuddling sessions for 3 quid.
Although I’m turning 34 and it’s too late to start that professional tennis career (the pros are thinking of retiring at 34, not starting out) I still have time to achieve incredible things.
For example, Stan Lee didn’t create his first comic until he was 38, Colonel Sanders didn’t franchise his first restaurant until he was 65 and Vlad the Impaler didn’t start impaling until he was 36.
See, I’m still so young!
However, I did go to a chemist the other day to buy Tiger Balm for my knackered knees and I’ve also brought earplugs and an eye mask with me to Ayia Napa because I hate noise and bright lights.
Goals for 34:
- Start impaling, seriously, gotta get ahead of old Vlad.
- Win a tennis tournament. Shouldn’t be too hard, according to my dad it’s a “piss of piece” and when has he ever been wrong about anything?
- Start my preparations for the second coming. I’m thinking of giving it a theme and asking everyone to bring a dish.
- And finally to stay grounded and humble after my recently published book becomes a huge bestseller, making me crazy rich. Ok, I’m already crazy, let’s just make me rich. Tiger Balm ain’t cheap.