My first experience of lesbian dating was when I was 17, the woman was called Martina and she was married to a man and had a child. Obviously, I knew this before the date and just saw the opportunity of a challenge and decided to go for it.
Ok, I didn’t know either of those things before I went on the date. I only found out during the date when her friend asked me:
“Has she told you that she’s married?”
“No, it would seem that she has conveniently failed to disclose that vital piece of information.”
During the date, I was wearing a top with a logo on and a leather jacket over the top (I was butch even back then), and this Martina woman asked to see what was on my top, so I opened up my jacket to show her and she said “Oh nice, but I only asked so I could see your tits”. I quickly made my excuses and left for the bus home.
My first experience of lesbian dating was not great, so I didn’t go on another date for, well now let’s see… about 5 years. Yup, university was as dry as a nun’s gusset.
I don’t know why I didn’t go on any dates, I think it’s because women scare me, oh that and because I thought I was too fat and ugly for anyone to find me even remotely attractive. Anyone got a violin? Well if you could keep it down, that would be great.
It was only when I started living with my dad at the age of 21 and went out in London that I started meeting people of the same sex with the intention of rubbing genitals with them.
Here’s a quick breakdown of the marvellous dates I went on:
She was Indian, which is great, I love learning about different cultures, but she was EXACTLY LIKE ME, which is not so great. She was the same height, same hair, same dry sense of humour and same penchant for wearing black. It was basically like dating the Indian version of me except that she had loads of lawsuits going on against people at work. Not really the sort of vibe I was after for my second ever date with a fellow doughnut bumper.
I was due to go on a date with this fellow lesbionic stand up comedian who I’d asked out on a date but she cancelled at the last minute due to some totally bollocks excuse, so we never met.
Only a few weeks after I didn’t go out on a date with Girl 2, I met Girl 3, who happened to be Girl 2’s ex-girlfriend. The London lesbian scene is similar to the royal family, in that the dating pool is a small and rather incestuous. Girl 3 wasn’t small though, she was tall, like really tall and really hipster. She liked poetry, and not the cool poetry that rhymes, but the wanky poetry that looks like it might be a big fat load of bullshit. Anyway, me and this girl went on a few dates, so naturally I fell in love and was ready to move in. Ok, maybe I wasn’t in love and ready to move in, but I was definitely ready to name our future guinea pigs and decide what colour scheme we’d have in our granny annex… She dumped me over text, which I guess is fine for a relationship that only lasted six weeks.
I met this girl when I was dating Girl 3, yes I am very much a lesbian player. Girl 3 and I were at the lesbian social event in London called Southbank Surfing and as we were leaving Girl 4 ran up to me and asked if I was single and could she get my number. HOLY WHAT NOW? ERR YES BUT ALSO NO BUT ALSO THANKS FOR MAKING ME LOOK DESIRABLE IN FRONT OF GIRL 3 WHO IS CLEARLY NOT AS INTO ME AS I’D HOPED. We dated for a while, she showed me an amazing time, (no, I don’t mean like that get your head out of the gutter) I mean she took me out, she took me to comedy shows, restaurants, awesome events on the Southbank, but it didn’t work out.
We met online and she is now my wife.
Kate Winslet, even though she keeps blocking my number and marrying men to put me off the scent I truly believe we will be together one day. Is there anyone reading this who could make it happen? Contact me here urgently.
I feel like having dated 5 (nearly 6) women is plenty for one lifetime. If you’re a new or shy lesbian then I feel your pain, going out on the gay scene can be more intimidating than having an argument with those women who have hoop earrings the size of truck tyres. Maybe online dating would be better for you? I’d highly recommend it!