Chocolate is orgasmic so why doesn’t it help my depression?

by Jenna
0 comment
depression and comedy

Like the hot guy from Queer Eye said in one episode, “food is medicine” – sure, this quinoa and avocado skinny salad may make me feel smug, but rubbing this deep-fried chocolate doughnut over my body before shoving it in my mouth is going to shut my depression up for AT LEAST 5 minutes. But is all this chocolate I shovel into my mouth actually helping my depression? #AbsolutelyBloodyNot

People think there is a god, but I know there’s no god because if there was she wouldn’t have made me addicted to the thing that makes my depression and anxiety go absolutely ape shit.

Yesterday I felt like killing everyone before killing myself (think Killing Eve but less Russian) and instead of feeding myself with the good food that would do good things for my body and mind I went to Sainsbury’s bought the cheapest tub of chocolate spread, a butt load of white rolls, 4 chocolate bars and went home and had a filthy orgy.


Here are some foods that the health organisations of the world say are good for depression:

  • Nuts, no thanks, I’m a lesbian
  • Wholegrain, nah, I like white
  • Liver, gross
  • Fish, and chips?
  • All the leafy foods, my guinea pigs eat these before I even get them in the door
  • Beans, baked and covered in cheese?
  • Zinc, what?
  • Protein, do Cadbury’s do a protein chocolate bar yet?

Here are some foods that I say are good for depression but only actually make you feel worse so you should probably avoid these at all cost: 

  • Chocolate, all of it
  • Cheese, grated over my face
  • Caffeine, snorted
  • Alcohol, in the eye
  • Refined carbs, in large quantities

Running, although super hard when you feel like a massive dead whale inside is really good for depression and anxiety, running helps me with my mental health more than I care to admit. (Because if I admit it then my fiance will force me to run when I’m in the middle of a bad episode and all I want to do is eat refined carbs dipped in alcohol and cheese). 

So future Jenna is going to use the following distraction techniques to help her stop reaching for the bad things so much when she’s in the middle of a bad episode:

  • Walk, anywhere, just not off a cliff
  • Talk, to anyone, about anything
  • Change, everything and anything I’m doing at that time
  • Get out of my head, and into some chores, cleaning distracts the voices in my head
  • Go for a run, even if I really REALLY don’t want to
  • Healthy alternatives, like a tiny bar of chocolate (apparently this is regular size to other people)
  • Music, sing, dance and feel the music inside your bum

What do you do when you’re feeling particularly bad? Let me know!

 

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