How Do Lesbians Have Sex? Here’s How…

I am asked how us lesbians have sex at least 38 times a day, so to clear this mystery up I’m going to tell you exactly how we do it.

We like to set the mood with a nice earth-friendly vegan dinner in front of a few episodes of our latest Netflix obsession before letting the dogs out for a piss.

Once we’ve fed the guinea pigs and cleaned out the cat litter box we quickly utilise the recycling box and make our way to the bedroom. After brushing, flossing and cleaning our face we’re ready to get dirty.

We slowly take off our Dr Martens, dungarees and rainbow t-shirt to reveal our saggy hairy bodies. (You may have seen different types of lesbians in certain videos, but let me educate you by saying that it is not the norm for lesbians to have huge augmented boobs and a bald fanny.)

Opening up our handmade side cupboard one of us takes out the bag of toys: squeaky doughnuts for the dogs, feathers on the end of a stick for the cats and a strap-on for us. We take the strap-on out, leave the bedroom and go to the kitchen to get:

a) the lube
b) the whip
c) the handcuffs
d) none of the above, we’re putting the strap-on in the dishwasher because it wasn’t loaded enough for a full wash

You guessed it, the answer is D! 

Comfy male pyjamas are thrown on, bedtime socks are taken off the radiator and placed onto our feet and we are ready for sex. And by sex I mean a bit of kissing, a few cuddles, a lot of tears and finally some shut eye. 

A few hours later the insomniac one with mental health issues wakes up horny for some DIY. The other lesbian wakes up a few hours later and finds that her girlfriend has re-tiled the bathroom and laid the foundations for a new conservatory that will double up as a vegetable themed meditation room.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how lesbians have sex.

DISCLAIMER: If you thought that this was going to be some sort of unrealistic shag between two straight women with long, well conditioned blonde hair who quickly get bored of all the licking and want a dick to turn up, then I’m sorry to have disappointed you.

You and everyone else I’ve ever slept with…

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