5 Reasons Why I Quit Stand Up Comedy

I quit doing stand up comedy because I had reached the top of my game and there wasn’t anything left for me to achieve. Really? No, that’s a joke. That’s a joke? Wow no wonder you quit.

Reason 1

The main reason I quit was because I was fed up of playing to a room full of 6 comedians and 0 actual audience members. A lot of the open mic nights around London are free and are based above a pub or below a pub or just inside a pub. And unless the night is a bringer (bring a guest with you) or has a marketing budget then there is often little to no audience.

Reason 2

Jokes about burning bras and lesbian puns don’t tend to go down well with a bunch of rowdy stag dos unfortunately. I would perform my 5 minutes of feminist lesbian material which received quite a good few laughs, I did have some cracking jokes. But then a male comedian would go up tell the audience how big his dick was and call his wife a slut and the crowd would roar with laughter.

Reason 3

I’m lazy, Jesus Christ I am lazy. If I could get someone to pick my own nose I would. After I’ve finished working the last thing I want to do is get a train up to London do a gig then not get back home until 11:30pm. 

Reason 4

I haven’t done it for two years now so the thought of going back on stage gives me the willies. And as a lesbian I don’t want to have the willies. When I did do it I was so used to doing it that it didn’t scare me but now, woah, I would shit my panties.

I’ve had my own Edinburgh show which sounds amazing but actually it was a bit, um, poo. Check out what happened during the longest week of my life here.

Reason 5

Unlike other acts that I have gigged with who are now very successful and on the telly, I don’t want to spend years bumming around at the bottom of the circuit before anything happens. Or perhaps I just can’t be bothered… Either way I want success and I want it to have happened yesterday. 

Reasons why I may go back one day

• Making people laugh is infectious and boosts the ego rather nicely
• I’ve been told I’m pretty good, thanks Mum
• An amazing comedian once laughed insanely through my set then kept shaking my hand and congratulating me afterwards
• A lot of comedy writers start off as stand up comics
• It’s an excuse to drink nearly every night after gigs

For the time being I will be concentrating on writing comedy but one day I may return to the world of stand up comedy. But if you want to see me do stand up comedy again then watch this space…  I hate it when people put “watch this space” it makes them sound like a total douche bag.