It’s not like the agony or horrendous suicidal PMT is something I would just forget. But for some reason, when a doctor asks when my last period was, I just look at her blankly and shrug my shoulders.
‘Could you be pregnant?’
‘No.’
‘When was your last period?’
‘No idea.’
‘…’
‘I can tell you when my last bowel movement was?’
‘That’s not what I asked. I need to know when your last period was.’
‘….’
‘Are you using contraception?’
‘Yes.’
‘Which one?’
‘I’m a lesbian.’
‘The best contraception’
‘Isn’t it! The impossibility of me getting pregnant is one of my biggest turn-ons in the bedroom.’
‘I feel we’ve gone off-topic, let’s go back to the smear test.’
Period Apps
Thankfully, I now have a period app that can tell me when my last period was. But I only really check that to diagnose the new bout of anger and despair that’s just come over me.
‘Oh look, I’m absolutely fucking raging, let’s just check my period app to see if it’s real, or just my stupid hormones again.’
During ovulation my body and mind are completely messed up. My body tells my mind that it’s ready for dat sweet sweet spermatozoa and my mind goes: “Great! Let me just see if there’s any about!” My mind then looks over to my partner, sees she’s low on sperm and decides that she’s not the right person for me and plants seeds of doubts about our relationship.
The next few days of ovulation then continue with me feeling bad about everything and everyone in my life. So instead of: “Look honey, I’m ovulating, let’s pretend to make a baby!” it’s more “Look honey, I’m ovulating, get the fuck out of the flat.”
On the rag
I’m currently on the rag and it’s a fucking shit show, it hurts like a bitch, I’m as bloated as a beached whale and I’ve managed to sync up with my partner, which means neither of us are getting the sympathy and attention we truly deserve. (We need a 3rd person in our relationship, a thruple if you will, preferably with someone who doesn’t have periods).
Special treatment
I remember when I was 15, I couldn’t wait for my period to start to prove that I wasn’t a boy (I thought I had actually been born a boy and been raised as a girl because I was such a late/lazy bloomer and was super tomboyish). But after the first two days of my first ever period, I realised what a huge inconvenience it was and decided that women should get special treatment for having periods.
Here are my suggestions:
- Replace the phrase “it hurt like a kick in the balls” with “it hurt like my womb just fell out of my vagina, oh wait, it did”
- Period payment – where the government gives us money for having periods as a sort of apology from Mother Nature for giving us periods in the first place
- Clemency for crimes committed during PMT, if any woman survives PMT without killing then it’s really rather admirable
- Priority when queuing in the supermarket, at the bar or in the playground. I’M ON MY PERIOD JAKE, NOW GET OFF THE FUCKING SWING, IT’S MY TURN! (If I had a daughter, I’d want her to be like that)
I’m 31 at the moment so I’ve probably got another 20 years of periods, (unless my prayers are answered and I have an early menopause) #fingerscrossed #prayforJenna. A woman I met recently told me that it’s great having the menopause during the winter because it saves on the heating bill.
Finally, something positive about having a womb!
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The French have (perhaps a little old-fashioned) expression “Les Anglais ont débarqué” – roughly translated as “the English are coming!” or “the English have arrived!” to mean “I’m on my period”. During the Napoleonic wars when the English, wearing their red uniforms, arrived in Northern France, they were not very welcome. Just like our period!