Where to go in Scotland
When travelling up to Scotland make sure you go to Edinburgh to see how amazing it is and then go to Glasgow to remember how beautiful and safe Edinburgh was. You should also venture up to the Highlands, but remember to wear your five duffel coats because even in the height of summer your knockers will freeze off.
Top tip: You may find yourself becoming confused when partaking in conversation with Scottish people, but don’t worry they’re not speaking another language, it’s just that they’re from Dundee.
What to expect in Scotland
Expect beautiful scenery, expect loads of whiskey and expect loads of fucking Scottish people. I mean they’re everywhere, although a few Scots have told me that it’s now being swamped with the English… Pff whatevs. Also when in Scotland why not enjoy the national dish of haggis, neeps and titties. It’s both disgusting and delicious at the same time.
Where to go in England
England isn’t as beautiful as Scotland but it is full of English people so there’s swings and roundabouts really. If you’re looking for skanky beaches, a super sized Wetherspoons and a prominent gypsy population then Margate is for you.
But if you’re looking for something a bit busier with lots of people squeezed into one place, all moving very quickly with their faces looking down at their phone then I recommend popping to London.
What to expect in England
Apart from over priced houses, loads of fucking Tories and a fair bit of snobbery you can expect to see some rather boring things in England. Do you like being over charged for a shabby old building where parking isn’t included and you spend the whole time wishing you had just taken the kids to McDonald’s? Fantastic, then you will love the National Trust sites around England. There’s lots.
Scotland vs England – The verdict
With one having lots of scenery and drunks and the other having less scenery and less drunks it really is tricky to decide which is better. Let’s do a fun bullet pointed list of the good and bad parts of both:
Scotland good points:
- It’s fucking beautiful man
- Ridiculously friendly people
- Cheap, cheap, cheap – you name it you will find it cheaper in Scotland than England (houses, beer, hookers the lot!)
- It’s clean, it’s pretty, it’s just amazing
Scotland bad points:
- It’s cold, damn shit is it cold
- Some Scots hate the English *cough
- It’s hilly which is nice to look at but not nice to walk on
- Some places are a little bit, um, stabby, where the word glass is more of a verb
England good points:
- Best weather in the UK as we are technically nearer the equator
- Full of rather spiffing excellent toffs
- There’s loads of cities like Birmingham, and they are all really lovely
- The west country, full of nice scenery, scones and kooky farmers, lovely place to visit but don’t stay too long because the Cornish don’t like it when foreigners (people not from Cornwall) outstay their welcome
England bad points:
- Too many people, stop having like 20 kids each yeah! Jesus put a sock on it or something
- It’s expensive, it’s over £20 each to see Shakespeare’s house which isn’t actually the house he lived in because they knocked that down years ago!
- There’s loads of cities like Birmingham, and they are all complete dives
- It’s primarily responsible for dominating and colonising countries the world over, but that’s in the past and we’re all friends now… Right? Brexit? Don’t know what you’re talking about mate…
And the winner is… Scotland! Congrats you lovely jocks. (I can call them jocks because my girlfriend is Scottish and if she can call me an English twat then I can call them dirty drunken jocks.) Och Aye and all that.