Us feminists really do hate men, you might’ve thought that it was just a myth that we are angry men hating lesbians, but it’s true. Our legs and armpits are also covered in foliage and we don’t use tampons because they’re like tiny little white dicks that the government want us to fuck ourselves with.
However, there are some of us who do like men, who love shoving tampons up their flowers and who wear super lacy pull up bras just to get men’s attention. Being a feminist means that you can do what the fuck you want with your own body and your own brain. Ok, you shouldn’t really hate men just because of the small few who have started wars, murdered their wife and children and have deliberately given a man priority over a woman just because he has a dick; but if you’re a feminist then you can do what you want.
Similarly, you shouldn’t hate women just because of the small few who have murdered their husbands, started wars to win an election or deleted a few thousand dodgy emails from a private email server while serving as secretary of state. If you think about it both men and women can be equally as twattish as each other, it’s the perfect example of true equality.
Some of us do burn our bras but that’s just because we hate the environment and don’t want to recycle them. Boobs are really annoying, and they’re especially annoying when they’re not being supported by special boob hammocks, so anyone who doesn’t wear a bra does so in the knowledge that they will suffer back pain and quite a few pervy looks.
We’re not all lesbians, I mean I am but not all of us are, my God it would be great if we all were. And we do shave our armpits; not because we feel that women shouldn’t have hairy armpits, but because we feel that no one should have hairy armpits, it’s proper minging.
The only myth that is correct about feminists is that we’re all fat and ugly, all that protesting and being angry really takes it out of us, so we just don’t have time to slap on some makeup in between stuffing our faces with yeasty bread.
How to be a feminist
This blog is an extract taken from the hilarious guide “How to be a feminist.” Unfortunately, feminism, like the word “moist” is very offensive and when used in public will be greeted with scoffs and people projectile vomiting. That’s why I have written this extremely serious and useless guide on how you can become a feminist.