Top 5 Things to do in Phuket

1) Bangla Road, Patong

We had heard a lot about Bangla Road in Patong, so one evening during our trip to Phuket we jumped into a tuk tuk and made our way there. This was our first time in a tuk tuk. Bloody hell they’re a lot of fun; loud music and a weak engine meant that the very hilly ride to Patong was exciting/terrifying. Is there a gear lower than 1st? Apparently not.

We started our drinking in an Aussie bar because it had a pool table. A Thai woman came to play as well which I thought was a) great because I was shite and didn’t want to play anymore and b) very friendly of her. It turns out that she was being paid to play with us so that we’d buy more drinks. 

After we eventually escaped the overly friendly Aussie bar we walked down to the famous Bangla Road that everyone kept talking about. It was like Magaluf in Thailand but without the annoying British teenagers. People were everywhere, there were dancers and acrobatics outside the bars, there was a man on a chin pull up bar with a sign next to him that said “2 minute chin pull up = free Whiskey. 200 Baht per attempt”. The whiskey only cost 220 baht.


Ping Pong Show

In between the crowds hundreds of Thai men and women held cards with a menu on:

  • Ping pong show
  • Egg show
  • Frog show
  • Banana show
  • Hamster show
  • Etc

These people thrust the menu in your face inviting you to a show, one woman even looked at Suz and I and pointed out that there was a lesbian show. Excellent, we love nothing more than two straight Thai women having lesbian sex for a group of intrigued tourist. Really gets us going.

With a few drinks down us we made our way to what we were told was the gay district, Paradise Soi. Yay finally we can be around our people! Except it turned out that the gay district was, like most gay districts around the world, full of men. And topless men at that.


2) Big Buddha

The Big Buddha really is just a big Buddha but the view from the top are beautiful. On our walk back down the stairs we saw two monkeys hanging by the “do not feed the monkeys” sign. They went through the bin looking for food and threw a can of coke at one of the tourists. So many lolz.

Underneath the Big Buddha was a temple. Well the whole thing is a temple but downstairs was where the monks sat. One monk was sat at the front with a large bowl of bracelets next to him and a line of tourists in front of him. He giving out blessings and bracelets. As stupid tourists who also wanted to be blessed by a monk we lined up, he tied a bracelet on us, shook his watery wooden stick and we put some money in the pot. A great money making idea, because even though Buddhism is the nicest of the religions, like the others, it still needs to make money.


3) Phi Phi Island Tour

Phi Phi island has a beautiful long stretch of beach with a bustling town just behind it. Our tour guide told us where the toilets were and said that we had 45 minutes before we moved on to the rest of the tour. The toilets were 50 baht to use so I peed in the sea. And that’s why the island is called Phi Phi. Jokes aside, it is bloody beautiful and everyone should go there.


Monkey Beach & Snorkelling

We left Phi Phi Don and made our way to Monkey beach, Viking Cave, Pileh Cove and the beautiful dreamlike Loh Samah Bay. Unlike the other five million tours that were at Monkey Beach we didn’t get off the boat as the monkeys have gotten so used to the humans feeding them that they’ve forgotten to feed themselves. And just like a hungry human, a hungry monkey can get aggressive.

One boy from another tour gave a tub full of popcorn to a monkey. And another monkey was chewing on a discarded water bottle. It was a perfect scene to show how us humans are pretty terrible.

We jumped off the boat just outside of Los Samah Bay and went snorkelling. It was truly beautiful and surreal to see the fishes in the clear blue ocean. The photographer handed a piece of banana to me and suddenly all these little fishys came swimming over to get some of the fruity goodness. They even nibbled my fingers, cheeky fishys.


Maya Bay

Finally we arrived at Maya Bay, yes where The Beach was filmed. A film that I watched a week before going to Thailand so that I could get as excited about it as Suz. It really was an incredibly idyllic beach. The white sand was the softest thing I’ve ever felt beneath my feet and the sea was so transparent and warm. God it was bloody amazing.

We got to the beach around 3pm and there was an average of 400 people there. The tour guide told us that earlier in the day, around 12pm, you would find over 1000 people here. It’s a lovely beach but it’s rather small so I can imagine that it’s pretty mental at 12pm; so much so that the guide said you can’t see the sand through the people taking selfies.


4) Elephant Sanctuary

I’d seen elephants in a zoo before but never up close and personal where I could touch and feed them. They really are the most magnificent animals. These elephants had all come from riding and logging camps. We were taught more about the history behind their horrific ordeals before we chopped up a series of sugar canes, bananas and watermelons for us to feed to feed them with. 

Once the elephants were fed we bathed them in the large mud spa that felt like a big pool of squishy poo. I have a feeling it probably was squishy poo. The elephant’s playful spirit was so much fun, they splashed and fell over in the mud waving their legs wildly, we were told beforehand to stand behind them if they fall over otherwise you’ll be kicked and end up at the other end of the sanctuary.

Their trunks were so strong and so useful; they picked up food with them, cuddled us with them and they sprayed themselves with the watery mud with them. We walked the elephants over to the clean water pool (where we had seen one do a big poo an hour before) and washed away all of the mud. Again, so much fun, water squirted everywhere and Suz and I tried very hard to keep away from the section where we’d seen the large poo drop.


5) Other things to do in Phuket

There are so many amazing things to do in Phuket, here are a few other places you should visit when you’re there:

  • Temples – but tbh once you’ve seen 5, you’ve pretty much seen them all
  • Beaches – beware Karon beach has teeny tiny jellyfish they will nip you
  • Phang Nga Bay (James Bond island)
  • Phuket Town

Here are a few things you should definitely not do when you’re there:

  • Ride an elephant  – seriously, don’t bloody do it
  • Go to a tiger show – seriously, don’t fecking do it
  • Go to see a monkey show – you get the picture