Being a lesbian can be very difficult, those buzz cuts, polo shirts and Superdry clothes don’t wear themselves. It’s taken me almost 10 years to really become a proper functioning lesbian. I wish there had been some sort of starter kit when I first came out.
If your gay-dar is somewhat lacking then it can be confusing as to whether someone is a lesbian or a teenage boy. In order for the new generation of lesbians to a) become fully functioning doughnut bumpers quickly and b) know whether someone else is a doughnut bumper, I’ve created the essential starter kit for any fresh young lesbian.
Item 1: Comfortable Shoes
Now that you’re officially a proper lesbian you can ditch those high heels, uncomfortable sandals and ridiculous dolly shoes and slap on a fabulous pair of walking shoes. You’ll find these shoes amazingly comfortable for all activities such as:
- Walking – dur
- Shopping for root vegetables and strap-on dildos
- Telling people that just because you’re a lesbian it doesn’t mean that you hate men
- Camping – a true lesbian’s favourite past time
Item 2: A Period Of Unrequited Love
A lot of lesbians I know had or are currently having a period of being in love with a straight girl. Sometimes it’s how people find out that they’re a lesbian in the first place; that’s how I found out. I would go for long walks along the beach trying to work out all those confusing feelings.
Top Tip: Unless that straight girl is actually a closeted lesbian then she’s never going to be with you; unless she’s a spaghetti girl, straight until wet. Oh I do apologise that was rude, it’s from The L Word…
Item 3: Tool Box/DIY Skills
My girlfriend’s cousin and her girlfriend recently built most of their house, garden, shed and local community centre. Ok, I don’t think they did the last one but lots of us lesbo ladies love going to B&Q and getting a good drill, a few hundred screw drivers and a rather fetching tool belt.
Item 4: An Underground Lesbian Bar
You’ll soon learn that all gay bars are actually full of men except for the very few that are for lesbians/women only. The only one in Soho is underground, where us lesbians clearly belong. Unlike the other gay bars which are full of poles, flashing lights, rainbow flags and like I said before men; She Bar in London is small, full of sofas and a bit poo.
Item 5: A Knowledge Of Famous Lesbians
Ellen DeGeneres is obviously the lesbian queen, and then we have Jodie Foster, Ellen page, Sue Perkins, Claire Balding and Sandi Toksvig who are all next in line to the throne.
Item 6: Experimenting With Style
So you’ve gone from being or pretending to be straight and dressing as society has told you to dress. Now that it’s time to butch it up you need to get a pair of Dr martin’s, dungarees, a buzz cut and at least five lumberjack flannel shirts. They’re a must.
P.s. If any straight girls are reading this, please stop wearing lumberjack shirts, it really throws off our gay-dar.
Item 7: Have At Least 1 Vegan Friend
A lot of lesbos are vegans and even more are vegetarian. I don’t know what it is about muff diving that just puts people off eating animals products… You must be prepared to have a vegan friend as they will constantly tell you that they’re vegan. Why not try being vegan yourself to prove that you’re really dedicated to the whole lesbian thing?
Item 8: A Permanent Rainbow
Everyone knows that if something has a rainbow flag on it then it’s either gay, gay friendly or it’s the official flag of Cusco in Peru. If you don’t have the ability to have a permanent rainbow over your newly shaved head then just buy a rainbow flag. Or you could get some rainbow braces, rainbow shoe laces or just a bag of skittles. As long as it has rainbows on it then everyone will know that you’re a massive gay.
Item 9: The L Word Box-Sets
You should really memorise these episodes as they are pretty much the lesbian version of “Friends” when it comes to jokes etc. The L Word is our bible, it’s where we get our rules of the lesbian world from e.g.”Thou shall hate Jenny and crush on Shane” – I never did because I like blondes, but that’s another story.
Item 10: A Coming Out Story
Everyone who is out has one and everyone who isn’t out has imagined what theirs will be like. Mine: I came out to my mum and brother at 16, my mum hugged me and my brother laughed and called me a lezza (affectionately of course). I came out to my dad at 22, he also laughed and said “oh I suppose you like Sue Perkins do you?”
So there you have it. The top 10 essential things you need when starting out as a lesbian. You may think that I’ve left out one really important one: a girlfriend. But actually you don’t need one of those to be a lesbian.
If you have any more to add please leave me a comment below or if you were offended by anything mentioned here then go away please because you are just silly.
Do you want to be a lesbian or perhaps a better lesbian? Fantastic! You may think that being a lesbian is as simple as being sexually attracted to just women, well you are wrong my friend. So very, very wrong. But not to worry, let’s put your stupidness behind us and get on with this very helpful, informative and not at all silly guide. Being a lesbian is a way of life, it’s an attitude, it’s a fragrance. Learn how to become a proper lesbian with this hilarious guide!