A Fantastically Bad Fringe
Three years ago I went up to Edinburgh to perform my first stand up show after only 8 months of gigging. It was called Double D’s because the other comic I was performing with was disabled and I was (and still very much am) a dyke. The name had nothing to do with my bra size, a “D and an E” doesn’t have the same ring to it.
Unfortunately, the other comic wasn’t well enough to come and do the show so an American comic stood in her place.
The First Show
A good twenty minutes from the Royal Mile, our location was total shite and it was at the sort after time of 12:30pm. Flyering near the venue meant that the audience we were seeking were people on their lunch break or visitors who had lost their way.
Our first performance was to just two people; a sweet older couple who had just been checking out the venue that their son was going to perform in later that day. They smiled and nodded at my lesbian feminist jokes while I stood next to my blow up doll. When they left they put £5 in the bucket on the way out. They were very sweet.
The Rest Of The Shows
The other four performances were slightly better, one day we had a whopping eight audience members. Two of them informed me before the show that they had to leave at 1pm. When 1pm came, I asked them if they had to go, they said yes; as did three other people. It was definitely nothing to do with how shite my set was…
I couldn’t wait for the show to be over. I was underprepared to say the least and was not overly in love with the thousands of other performers everywhere. They all seemed confident, funny and prepared, what bastards.
Since the Fringe I have quit stand up comedy, find out why here.
Three Years Later
Three years later I went back to Edinburgh (not during the Fringe) and fell very hard in love. God it’s an amazing place, so beautiful, so interesting and so very very hilly.
My girlfriend and I went for a few drinks in the Three Sisters pub where I had been many times to drink away the pain. We drank Tennants and let me tell you, Tennants taste like piddle.
We went to the place where I’d performed my stand up show, the Edinburgh Football Club Room 1. The building was under construction, but I walked up the steps to the front door to have a nose anyway. What did I find? Ten bloody pounds on the floor! More than I had made from my entire show.
Edinburgh holds a very special place in my heart and one day I will live there, bump into Nicola Sturgeon, go for a couple of beers then she’ll realise she’s gay and we’ll become lovers.
One day Nicola, one day.