Sorry, But I’m Going To Stop Apologising

Am I over apologising because I’m a woman? Or because I am from a rather splendid part of Southern England and must uphold excellent manners at all time? Either way, it needs to change!

‘Sorry, excuse me can I just get there please? Sorry, thanks so much, sorry!’ I said to some guy the other day who was in my way in a bookshop (McDonald’s).

Three “sorrys” and I wasn’t bloody sorry in the slightest. In fact, he should’ve been the sorry one for being in the way when I’m PMTing and in need of 5 cheesy Big Macs.

Things I am not sorry for but say it anyway:

  • Not understanding what you just said, speak properly you imbecile
  • When my hatred for the bourgeois accidentally slips out
  • Anything that I said when I was PMTing, I meant all those things
  • Anything that I said when I was hungry, I meant all those things as well
  • That I forgot to put your order through when I was a waitress, don’t patronise me and I might let you eat
  • When someone is in my way, your lack of knowledge about my whereabouts is your fault really…
  • When some selfish guy on the train is man spreading all over the place so I can’t sit down, it’s not that big, shut ya legs, ya bastard
  • That time that I smacked you with my bag on the train, I meant that, you shouldn’t have been man spreading all over the place, ya bastard

Things I am actually sorry for:

  • Not convincing my dad enough to not vote for Brexit
  • Stealing those sweets from Woolworths, but to be fair you shouldn’t have displayed them so openly within my reach (I am not to blame for their collapse!)
  • Not punching that boy at school the first time he called me “hairy legs”, you think my legs are hairy? You should see my bum 🦍 🍑
  • Overfeeding my mum’s goldfish to death when I was six, to be fair they looked hungry
  • The mean, cutting, accurate things I said during an argument
  • Not pissing more BMW drivers off, you can flash me all you like dick face, I’m happy doing 40mph in the fast lane
  • Stealing all that food when I was a waitress, I still haven’t managed to lose those six stone I gained… karma?

It might not be quite so easy for me to stop apologising altogether, as it’s ingrained deep within my being – so let’s just say that unless I repeat the word “sorry” and embellish it with lots of adjectives, then I don’t really mean “sorry”, I just mean “oops”.