Funny Sh*t My Mother Says On Holiday

It’s difficult to know how to respond when your mother tells you that “in the throes of passion with a man you just don’t look at his willy”.

Being a lesbian means that I have and hope to never find myself in the throes of passion with a man but if for some reason I do, I will know not to look at it. Thanks Mum, sound advice.

In September this year my mother and I went to Salou where we spent the week complaining about the number of Russians, faffing about in the tourist shops and trying to help each other on the unicorn float in the swimming pool. Our “holibobs” as my mother likes to call it, was also filled with some very funny moments and some conversations that would deeply worry my therapist.

When we went on holiday a few years ago to Costa Del Sol my mother had a bit of a difficult time going through airport security. Even though we’ve had over a decade of strict airport security rules my mum still thinks that she can sneak in her bottle of orange squash through customs.
‘I’ll hide it under my coat’ she told me seriously.
‘No Mum, you’re not allowed to do that.’ I replied.
‘Why? It’s not going to blow up the plane, it’s just Robinson’s. Anyway, me not being allowed to take my squash on the plane isn’t going to stop the pilot from flying us into the side of a mountain at 300 miles per hour.’ She said only a few months after a pilot in Germany had done just that…

My mother, bless her, also doesn’t realise that she needs to take her watch and 30,000 necklaces off when going through the metal detector.
‘They’re necklaces, not machetes.’

Luckily our trip to Salou was free of any kerfuffle in the airport, but it was full of some rather funny/highly embarrassing innuendos. Here are just a few wonderful nuggets of funny things my mum said during our trip: