I went to my first smear test with zero anxiety and a smile on my face, why? Well to understand that you need to understand a very small bit of information…
As I woke up one morning years ago I felt a damping down below, immediately I jumped out of bed and screamed with excitement as I ran down the stairs waving my bloody knickers in my hand.
‘Look mum I’ve started my period!’ I was almost 17 so quite a late starter, so late in fact that I started wondering whether I was actually a woman at all.
You see the kids at school used to call me a boy so much that I started to believe them. I thought that my mum must have given me a sex change when I was little because she had always wanted a girl. But alas! I had finally started bleeding from my genitals, I smiled broadly as we washed my pants in the sink.
Now every month I shout. ‘I wish I was a man!! I hate being a woman! I don’t even want kids! Why give periods to a lesbian! It’s like giving wings to a fish’.
My First Smear
A few years ago I had my first smear test which also confirmed my womanhood,
‘There’s your cervix, everything is looking good.’ The nurse told me. I’ve got a cervix? Brilliant! I’ve no idea why I would need one but I like that every three years someone wants to look at mine for a bit.
‘Go to the bed and take your bottom clothes off,’ she had told me when I first arrived. Buy a girl a drink first! That line may work in Soho but it certainly doesn’t in rural Kent.
Bish bash bosh she took some cells I got dressed and she asked if I was ok.
‘Yes I’m fine,’ I replied confused at why she thought I wasn’t ok, she had found a cervix, I WAS THRILLED!
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes,’ I don’t mean to be rude but you’re not the first person I’ve shown my vagina to. Obviously I didn’t say that, I was far too busy waiting to get out of the surgery and text my mum telling her I had a cervix!
Why You Shouldn’t Worry About Your Pap Smear
My girlfriend is scared of having smear tests (she’s going to love me writing that…) but I don’t know why she gets such bad anxiety about it. After speaking to friends about it it’s clear that a lot of people have anxiety about smear tests and now I can understand why; it really does put you in a vulnerable position… Quite literally.
But here are just a few reasons why you shouldn’t be scared of the smear test:
- It doesn’t hurt – sure it’s a bit uncomfortable for 5 seconds but so are a lot of things in life
- It could save your life
- The gyno has seen loads of fannys before, yours my friend, is not special
- It could save your life
- It takes seconds and is only once every three years
- IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE – Have I drilled that point home enough?
- You get to go home afterwards and have the BEST reason to binge eat for the rest of the day – well that’s what I did…
Here is a fun rap video about cervical screenings that you might enjoy: Click Here
And some additional information from our good friend, the NHS: Click Here