I’ve always been a bit fat, my best friend and I called it “puppy fat” when we were 9 in hope that as soon as we hit adulthood, BAM, we would be a slender pair of lovelies. You might have guessed that we did not turn into slender lovelies, well she might have but I wouldn’t know. I secretly hope that she hasn’t turned into a slender lovely and those pictures she puts on Facebook are all horrendously Photoshopped.
Pizza Express is completely to blame for my weight issues; when I started working there I was 12 stone and running every day. Cut to three years later when I was no longer 12 stone, only running twice a week and eating shit loads of free food every day. Also, the stress and absolute horrendous-ness of the job made me turn to beer, which apparently has more calories in it than all the food in the world combined…
Those HUGE football sized chocolate bars that are always £1 have also contributed to my flabby floppy torso. What I’m saying is that Pizza Express, Cadbury’s and Kronenbourg are fully to blame and I am merely a victim of the cruel capitalist world we live in; I bet I’d be skinny if I lived in North Korea.
Fatty boom boom
Being a whopping 18 stone I thought that it might be best if I pop along to my doctor to see if there’s an easy fix for my massive belly that doesn’t involve me doing anything different in any way. She told me that there was no quick fix to being so morbidly obese, so instead, she enrolled me in a 12-week course that focuses on diet and fitness. I mean why the hell do we pay the NHS if I have to do all the work myself?!
Top tips for not being such a fatty fat monster
This food labeling chart really helps you to realise how much absolute shite is in our food. Try to keep your food in the green and amber bit and only eat foods in the red if they are really yummy and you’re on your period.
This is an example of what a healthy balanced diet looks like, although I’m not quite sure why all the yummy stuff is off the plate on the bottom left… Maybe it’s because you don’t need a plate to eat those things.
Carbs: Don’t eat them unless they’re brown and taste like cardboard. Carbs are not the devil, they give us energy, so don’t do anything stupid like the Atkins diet because you will slip over and die (that’s what the creator of the Atkins diet did).
Fat: Don’t eat them. But if you do eat them then you will get AIDs and die. No, but seriously, try not to eat foods that contain more than 5% saturated fat cause that’s like really bad.
Sugar: I bloody love sugar, but try not to eat things that have more than 5grams of sugar per 100grams because it’s like really bad.
Alcohol: Don’t drink it, don’t eat it and don’t snort it. But if you do need to drink/eat/snort it then only do it with Champagne or Prosecco because they have more alcohol and fewer calories than most drinks. Although lager and cider is tasty it will only make you fat and sad, fat and sad people, sat and fad.
Motivation: The best piece of motivation I have for weight loss and also depression is “don’t wait until you’re ready”, you’re never going to be ready to run around the park or start prepping lunches for the week so just do it now. Or later, whatever man.
I am now an Adonis
The 12-week course went by quicker than a plate of cheesy chips and I only lost 1.4kg. I know it sounds like absolutely poopy shit but check out my breakdowns:
That’s right, I lost fat and gained muscle. Please don’t think that I’m now some sort of hot babe, cause I ain’t. What I am is slightly better at making healthier choices, and a tiny bit more active. Who am I kidding, I’m a lot more active; I go to badminton twice a week, I walk to the shops to get my chocolate bar that’s now only the size of a small football pitch. Oh, and I run two mornings a week, I’m practically GI Jane.
The thin girl at work
I don’t normally get on with thin people, their thinness makes me panic, it’s not natural to see someone wear what they want rather than what fits. BUT, there’s a lovely girl at work who is thin and reads my blogs. She told me that she was going to some sort of horsey event at the weekend and that she was worried that her belly was going to roll over the top of her trousers.
‘What? That’s not even possible.’
‘Well I bought these really nice trousers but they only had a size 6-‘
‘Oh and you’re a size 8, oh poor you. BOO HOO AMY, BOO BLOODY HOO!’
‘I hate you.’
‘Go and eat a burger.’
‘I can’t eat gluten.’
‘Well, I can’t talk to people who fit into size 6 trousers so bye.’
To summarise, beer and burgers are nice but being fat is tough, clothes don’t fit, shallow people judge you and it’s awkward to sit in plane seats. You need to exercise, but no amount of exercise can balance out a terrible diet. The course really helped me kick start my super healthy life as a skinny babe so I will definitely keep focused on the things I learned. In between mouthfuls of reduced Easter eggs, GOD DAMN I LOVE CHOCOLATE.