6am: Wake up feeling like an absolute God before going into the bathroom and shouting “legend” at myself in the mirror.
7am: Get to the gym to do a few weights while making loud violent noises to let everyone know that I’m totally smashing this workout. Quickly Instagram my abs before blowing a kiss to myself in the mirror #LivingMyBestLife
8am: Jump in the shower to wash using my 4-in-1 hair/body/car/shower gel.
8:30am: Kiss the husband goodbye and tell him to stop crying. I know he’s struggling to look after our two-year-old triplets, but I’m a boss and I’ve got money to make and dreams to shatter.
9am: Get to work, to discover that I’m getting yet another pay rise, that’s the sixth this year!
9:05am: Go to the toilet and stand up to pee. I don’t bother flushing the chain or washing my hands, I’m too important to clean up after myself.
11am: Say hello to the only male in the office. He’s the new marketing boy, who only started two weeks ago, I was going to give the job to another woman but we needed to tick that diversity box.
2pm: Go out to lunch with the new boy to “Womanslpain” and constantly talk over him. I order a 300-ounce steak with a dozen eggs on top. He’s on a diet so he just orders a salad with smashed avocado. I’d like to smash his avocado.
5:15pm: On the train home sat with my legs spread out wide to announce my dominance and let everyone know how massive my vagina is.
6pm: Home from work to find that my husband has had another bad day with the kids. He thinks it’s hard being a stay at home dad, but all he has to do is feed them, wash them and make sure they don’t die. What’s the big issue?
7:30pm: Finish eating dinner that husband cooked, he’s not a great cook but I don’t want to dampen his already crushed spirit.
10pm: Get into bed and start making the moves on my husband, he tells me that he’s too exhausted and drained from looking after the kids all day. I tell him that it’s ok, wait for him to fall asleep and then sort myself out. Another day totally bossed.