How To Survive PMT Without Killing

Find it hard to stop yourself from slaughtering people just before your period? Same. Here are a few tips that can help you survive PMT without killing:

– Instead of crying all the time why not inhale all the chocolate, alcohol and crack that you can find within a 50-mile radius before having a nice warm wank in the bath.

– Bloated like a dead buffalo? Try poppers, I’ve heard from gay men that they really relax the arsehole to either let something in, or in your case, let it all out.

– Retaining water like the Nile? There’s no hope for you, so why not just go to the local pool and blob about like the fat seal you are.

– Are you a lesbian who has synced periods with your girlfriend? Try to resist the urge to slaughter each other with your chisels and instead use them to aggressively grout your shower.

– Does your partner telling you about their day get you in a murderous rage? Move all sharp objects away from your vicinity and grab yourself a nice calming chamomile tea and then pour it over their stupid face. 

– Remember that men also get a kind of PMT, it’s called IMS (irritable male syndrome) and it’s tough for them too. Men get a hard deal and it wouldn’t cost you much to be a bit nicer to them (lolz).

– Feel like giving up and killing yourself at least 7 times a day? Do it, there’s too many people in this world and we need to get rid of some. Joking! Calm down love, what are you on your period or something? 

– Backed up like the M3 on bank holiday Friday? Again, use poppers to really open up that arsehole and let everything go.

– Are your breasts tender like a juicy chicken? Sounds delicious, why not cover yourself in herbs and pop round to mine later. Bring oil.

– Does Keith at work keep asking you if it’s time of the month? Tell him that if he asks you again it won’t be cupcakes you bring in for his birthday. It’ll be a Kalashnikov.

– And lastly has your boyfriend told you that he wants to have sex during your period because “real men get blood on their sword?” Well, I don’t think it’s too drastic to recommend that you cut off his “fleshy sword”, stick a knife in it and then stab him through the heart with it.

I think that’s just about covered it. Now you should be able to deal with PMT for the rest of your life. Well, until you hit the menopause and JESUS, that’s a whole other blog.