It doesn’t matter if you come out to your parents when you’re 16 or 76 or if your parents are religious nuts or sceptical atheists, right wingers or left wingers, dead or alive; you still need to come out to them. It’s their right as the people who birthed you to know who you are shagging.
Firstly, you need to ensure that your parents are in a place where they are most comfortable, be it the living room, pub or local brothel. If they’re at ease then you’ll be at ease and it will all go swimmingly, unless it doesn’t.
The best thing to do when coming out to your folks is not to beat around the bush. Just come out with it, pun intended. Perhaps mention other lesbians that your parents know or have seen on the television and compare yourself to them. “You know Clare Balding? Well you know she’s a lesbian? So am I”. Use a good role model rather than a bad one, so I’d recommend using Balders rather than someone like Rose West.
If you’re still uncomfortable saying that you’re a proper gay lesbian lady then why not take the cowardly option and tell them that you’re bi-sexual? By the time they realise that you’re actually a full blown lezza they would’ve gotten used to the idea and won’t be surprised when you only ever bring women round for weekly dinners.
What if it goes badly?
Unfortunately, there are some parents out there that will take the news badly. They’ll feel that your desire to not sleep with men is somehow a reflection on their parenting skills. Or they might blame a particularly tomboyish friend from your past or your unhealthy interest in things that are “for boys” – things like football, the colour blue or not liking ballet for example.
The only thing to do if this happens is to tell them that you are happy being a lesbian and that your happiness should be worth more than their own comfort levels. If they are still total dicks about the whole thing then perhaps don’t bring up the subject again, emigrate and then become a bit too dependent on alcohol.
What if it goes well?
You may think that your parents having a good reaction to you coming out as a lesbian would be a great thing but you’d be wrong. When you first go out on a date with a lady or meet other lesbians you normally swap coming out stories and “they were fine with it” is a bit of a buzz killer. No one wants to hear more about how fine your parents were. Although obviously it’s good for you if your parents are fine with it; you’ll just have to rely on other interesting parts of your personality to use as an icebreaker.
Once you’ve come out to your parents that’s it for life, you never need to come out again. Well ok, just not for that week anyway. In life you will need to come out a number of times; to colleagues, neighbours, gynaecologists, the lot. It’s very simple, you just need to slip the word “partner” into a sentence or if you don’t have one then follow the tips in the “butch” section of the next chapter. Now that you’ve come out why not take a look at what else you need to become a proper lesbian.
How to be a lesbian
This blog is an extract taken from the hilarious guide “How to be a lesbian.” You may think that being a lesbian is as simple as being sexually attracted to just women, well you are wrong my friend. So very, very wrong. But not to worry, let’s put your stupidness behind us and get on with this very helpful, informative and not at all silly guide. Being a lesbian is a way of life, it’s an attitude, it’s a fragrance. Learn how to become a proper lesbian with this hilarious guide!