Just because I’ve never liked pink, makeup, dresses (much to my mother’s dislike), handbags and the opposite sex, doesn’t mean that I have always known that I was a todger dodger.
There have been a few key events throughout my life that have hinted to the fact that I am indeed, a shirt-and-trousers type of woman.
The Geri Halliwell poster
I knew I was different when I first put a poster of Geri Halliwell in that army outfit on my wall, and my brother told me that girls aren’t supposed to have pictures of girls on their walls. Oh Brother, the irony…
I was a bit confused at first because I actually really liked the poster, I wasn’t the biggest Geri fan but I liked the way she looked, and I wanted to look at her more.
The poster is just bloody hilarious now and makes me feel as horny as Jacob Rees Mogg’s wife probably does when he comes home and says to her “it’s business time”.
Reacting to other lesbians
I remember “accidentally” switching onto Living TV where I came across The L Word, which I definitely only clicked on because I wanted to know what the “L” word actually stood for. 13-year-old me knew it was “lesbian”, but when I saw the scene with Bette and Tina getting it on in the kitchen, I was disgusted. Two old ladies getting it on… gross.
Five years later and I have re-watched that scene, many, many times, with a more open-minded and let’s say “positive” type of reaction.
Like in all schools in the ’00s there was a group of emo goths who used to cut themselves with protractors, and there was a rumour that one of them was a lesbian. “Eww, that’s gross. I don’t like that”, was what I said to Suzie, the girl who told me about it – who I reckon is probably a lesbian now as well.
The rumoured lesbian didn’t turn out to be a gay, but I can see from her Facebook profile that she is still a huge fan of black liquid eyeliner.
I fell in love with a straight girl
All jokes aside, the event that really enlightened me to the fact that I was a fan of the pink purse, was when I fell in love with a girl. She was funny, she had a bright pink fluffy coat on the back of her chair and she was the most beautiful person I’d ever clapped eyes on. I was 14.
Four years later and I was up to my eyeballs in self-harm, anti-depressants, and My Chemical Romance songs. The girl of my dreams was straight, and no matter what those cranks say about us gays recruiting/brainwashing people to join our cult, they are talking bollocks. Because I couldn’t scout this girl to become a doughnut bumper for love nor money.
This was the most difficult thing I’ve ever gone through, unrequited love is fucking painful at any age, but when it’s during the time when you’re overflowing with hormones and teenage angst, it’s especially hard.
Because women are hot and I love them
Even now, I am still reminded by small things every day that confirm that I am, and always will be, a wonderful lady lover.
E.g. A picture of a guy in tight white pants with a “moose hoof”/outline of his dick was on the telly the other day and I nearly threw up my organic vegan falafel salad…
Lots of the people I love in music, politics, tv, books and films are lesbians, or at least they look like lesbians (Nicola Sturgeon, come out already), here are a few of them.
I also have the most amazing girlfriend in the world who is beautiful, funny and just as much of a complete berk as I am.
How to be a lesbian – short comedy guide: Get it here