How I Go Back Into The Closet To Travel

The second question I ask myself before traveling to a new country (after “can I afford it?”) is “Is it ok to be a huge raving lesbian there?”

If the answer is no then I either a) accept that it I will never visit that country or b) visit the country but straighten the hell up.

Here are a list of the countries I need to be less gay in: Click here

To begin my transition back into the closet of heterosexuality I first change my appearance. Because bizarrely, when people see my rocky tattoos, large frame and fondness of men’s clothing they don’t automatically think that I’m straight.

Therefore to appear as a man-lover I swap my baggy combats for skinny jeans, and my large “I’m a fat dyke” rainbow t-shirt for a more neutral coloured flowery top from the woman’s section of Millets.

When booking our hotel, instead of ordering a double bed for my girlfriend and I to have wild sex in, I order a twin room and specify that I’d like the beds to be very far away from each other because “my friend farts in her sleep and the only reason I’m sharing a room with her is because I can’t afford the extra supplement of a single room.”

Things I pack:

Instead of packing my large strap-on, gimp mask and ball gag I go for the more heterosexual mani-pedi kit
Our two large matching “best friend” lockets in case anyone thinks that we’re anything more – because God damn, no one is going to confuse us for sisters (I’m a 5’8″ dark, hairy, Middle Eastern-looking babe and my girlfriend is a 5’2″ blonde, freckly Dundonian with the type of pale skin you’d expect from someone who thinks that 10 degrees is a warm summer’s day)
Lastly, it’s out with those handy travel spanners and versatile backpack and in with that sexy cowgirl outfit and sparkly cluctch bag

Things I do differently:

When taking an Instagram photo instead of pulling a funny face I look off camera, pull my ponytail above my head, stick my arse out and put the hashtag #SummerFeels and #SwipeUpForDiscountOnAllBikinis
I’m told that straight girls tend not to get shitfaced in an Irish bar straight after breakfast. So instead I venture to the local shops to buy tourist bollocks and a pool inflatable in the shape of an avocado

So there you have it, those were the things that I do when I need to straighten up for travel.

It’s unfortunate that the world is full of bigoted fuckwits who think that me loving my girlfriend is disgusting and wrong. Well some days our love is disgusting, but that’s only because it’s gotten to 6pm and neither of us have brushed our teeth, changed our pants or eaten anything with any nutritional value.