Confessions of a Bad Feminist

There are a few times when I fail at being a feminist, and no, I’m not a man hater. I hate everyone equally regardless of their gender.

Being a lesbian I love women, they’re the best, they’re beautiful and wonderful. Men can equally be beautiful and wonderful, Chris and Liam Hemsworth, for example, are very fine lads. But as much as I appreciate their rock hard abs and gorgeous smiles I have no urge to kiss them, ever.

Sometimes I wished that I was a straight feminist because some people think that I’m only a feminist because I’m a lesbian. It’s rare to get a lesbian who thinks men are better…

I’m a feminist but I…

  • Just want someone to call me pretty,
  • Call people at HMRC the “tax man”,
  • Think the world would be better if it was run by women FACT,
  • Think women should shave their armpits, men should too, and dogs and cats, armpit hair is ming no matter what type of genitals you have,
  • Believe that if I see a driver being a total dick then they are 100% more likely to be a man than a woman,
  • Want separate toilets for men and women because men are dirty and don’t wash their hands (eww willies),
  • Would like to be a man for a day just so that I could whack it about the place,
  • Think it’s bad when the media objectifies women but it’s ok for me to do it because I’m a lesbian and I’m not pervy about it,
  • See a woman who is slightly dumb, has lots of shoes, loves handbag and is only ever dressing her daughter in pink then I judge her for being a victim of the patriarchy.

Those accidental pronouns

When we refer to those devils at HMRC we normally call them the “tax man” never the “tax woman”; but to be honest men can have that one, no one wants to be hated as much as the tax man. If I told you that my doctor told me some bad news you may be inclined to say “what did he say?”. The only bad thing that my doctor told me recently was that I was super fat and should stop eating so much.

I guess it could be more about stereotypes rather than sexism but when I say the words firefighter, police officer, hairdresser, mechanic and stay at home parent, you are probably thinking a) why is she listing jobs like she’s a recruitment agent and b) that you would associate those jobs with certain genders.

Sometimes (a lot of the time) I do it as well, but when I deliberately try to say “she” then I’m seen as some angry lesbian feminist who hates men. I don’t hate men, I just don’t want their genital bits near me, nor do I want them to have more opportunities and privileges than women.

But it’s not fair!

At the beginning of this blog I lied, I said that I thought women and men were equal. I don’t think that. Women have periods every bloody month (pun very much intended), we also have the babies and all that fuckety stuff. Men however, well, um, they have… Wet dreams. Is that a bad thing? Cause to be honest that sounds lovely; you get to sleep (amazing) and wake up realising that you’ve accidentally cum in your pyjamas (what a dream).

I’m not saying that we should get priority over government positions, or special discounts at participating restaurants just because we bleed out of our genitals every month, but we should get something in fucking return. Please note that I was not on my period when I wrote this, this is not an angry PMT-fuelled rant.

How to beat the sausage fest society

Society, culture and the media are predominately to blame for everyday sexism. You weren’t born thinking that female pilots are not as reliable than men, nor were you born to think that women are beautiful wonderful creatures and men are strong super duper heroes, it was the patriarchy and those stupid barbie dolls that you were given as a kid.

If you have a daughter or a son why would you give your daughter a kitchen to pretend that she’s some sort of house-bitch; and then give your son a football to pretend that he’s some sort of mega-rich sport star who will inevitably grow up to be like the heroes he sees on the pitch (rapists, cheaters, fraudsters etc etc).

Like the Dixie Chicks said “Earl had to die” oh wait, that’s the wrong quote, it’s “what good is a cynic without a better plan?”, cue the better plan. Here’s what you (but mainly me because this blog, like everything in the world, is about me), need to do to smash the patriarchy:

  • Use “She” to refer to unknown people as much as you use “He” (apart from the tax man, he can stay a man),
  • Don’t judge a woman by her looks,
  • Don’t judge a man just by the fact that he’s a terrible cocking driver,
  • Buy girls things other than makeup, dolls or t-shirts with “pretty princess” on,
  • Buy boys things other than machine guns, cement mixers or t-shirt with “terrible cocking driver” on,
  • Or just buy this totes hilar ebook and find out how to ACTUALLY be a feminist