You may think that being a fat blobby hippo is a bad thing, but you’re wrong. It actually has some bloody good benefits:
People judge you based purely on the amount of fat you have on your body. So they already think that you’re good for nothing, lazy asshole before they’ve even got to know you. Which is a bit of luck because the reality is I’m a bit of a cunt and you don’t really want to waste your time getting to know me.
I no longer have to rely on my femaleness or lesbianism to feel second-best to men, straight people or people with a BMI under 25. Having this large flesh prison definitely confirms that I am in fact very low down on the list of “humans who are winning”. I mean what is this flabby body winning? Maybe a meat raffle…
Apparently, I’ll get diabetes, lose all my limbs and die sooner. What a welcome, kind relief death will be!
There’s no Porn Hub category called “fatty bom boms”, so people who want to wank over large lovelies getting down have to use their imagination.
When a fat person is confident and self-empowered it’s liberating and awe-inspiring. But when a thin person does it, it’s just arrogant and cocky and they need a good fucking slap with a deep fat fryer. Like, bitch what have you had to overcome? Oh you have to shop in the children’s section. Poor you…
Men hit on me less, yes, women hit on me less as well but sometimes that’s a blessing. I just can’t be bothered to have sex. Or live a life that’s meaningful and has purpose.
Yes, fat children get bullied, BUT we all need some form of emotional abuse to help us get through school and set us up for the hell that is adulthood and life in general.
I get to eat what I want without people being shocked. I mean, I could be sat eating a bucket of lard, shoving a deep-fried sausage up my fanny and doing shots of Nutella and people will be like, “Yup, I can see how she got fat”. But if I was there eating a salad, people would be like, “Bitch who you trying to kid”.
Being fat sounds great right? Much better than you thought, I suspect. What are the negatives, Jenna? There’s none! Ok, there’s one!
Your family and friends will hold interventions and talk to you a lot, yes, it’s only to constantly ask you about your weight but still, delete my number guys.