My ability to paralyse myself with fear and anxiety is seriously impressive, it’s even more impressive than my ability to pick crisps up off the floor with my feet.
I know what you’re thinking, oh here’s jolly old Jenna again, always grabbing life by the bollocks and living to the max. But in the last few months my mind has been plagued with intense thoughts of fear and death. Something which you’d assume would make me feel awful.
And you’d be right, God, I feel terrible. Truly horrendous.
But now it’s time to turn the tables, spin this shizzle on its head and the old flippety switcheroo.
Earlier, I was watching Drag Race, it was a great episode, really entertaining, what glorious queens! The credits rolled and a sneak peek to next week’s episode showed and my immediate thought was “I’ll probably die before next week, so I won’t get to see it”.
This sort of natural talent I have for seeing the darkness in every situation is really something that needs to be on my LinkedIn profile. Seriously, everyone can see the positive side of things and learn to smile through the pain, but it really takes someone extraordinary to take something really positive and see it as something really negative.
Obviously, the pandidoom has only strengthened my ability to feel anxiety and overwhelming despair. But it’s time to get really honest now: this superpower that I have isn’t really helping me live my #bestblessedlife. In truth, even though I’m brilliant at overthinking, triple thinking and doing all the thinking, it doesn’t make me feel like a fluffy little bunny.
You know how Wolverine’s knife knuckles are more of a curse than a blessing? That’s sort of how I’m feeling about my anxiety. Yes I’m good at it, but it’s made me feel like a sack of shit potatoes for a bit too long now and I think it’s time I asked it to leave. Get out. Sod the fuck off.
Yes, I need this glorious deadpan, satirical, self-deprecating attitude when I’m doing my comedy tings, but do I need this sense of primal dread while I’m tucking myself into bed at night? I’m thinking no…
The fear is 100% worse in the evenings. At night, when I turn the light off everything seems dark (well, durr), but I mean that life feels so very small and scary and I MUST FEAR EVERYTHING EVER!
Will running away and living in a campervan solve this issue? Well, it would mean that I get to travel more, but going to sleep in a metal box in the middle of an empty car park brings with it a different set of fears. It would just be replacing one bout of anxiety with another.
A bit like eating biscuits instead of crisps in order to lose weight.
I’ve been off my antidepressants for 8 months now and this is the worst I’ve felt in years. I know that going back on them isn’t the answer, I don’t want to numb everything again. I just want to numb the shit bits.
Maybe I should go back to the doctor and ask for something to just numb the shit bits. In the meantime, I’ll have to practice positive thinking and going to bed with the lights on. It might confuse the neighbours to see my light still on at 3am, but at least it will deter any burglars.
See, I’m already seeing the positives.