*Please note that there are no spoilers in this review until you get to the end bit that says spoilers*
Kate Winslet has been hiding her lesbianism for many years now and I’m beyond thrilled that she’s finally decided to come out.
Ok, so perhaps she’s hasn’t “come out” quite like I’d hoped, but staring in Ammonite, a film with a lesbian love story that features sexy bits, will do for now.
After lockdown 12.0 I went to the cinema to see Ammonite, and before the film I took myself out for dinner, just on my lonesome, I wined myself, dined myself and sixty – no I didn’t do that, well, not before the film anyway.
Before the film started there were all the normal trailers, yes, yes where’s my darling Kate? Ah finally, the rating certificate appeared and announced that the film was a “15” and that it featured “Strong sex”…
Thank you, Jesus.
The Film Itself
The story was set in Lyme Regis in the 1840’s and Kate Winslet was still really hot even though she had hairy armpits and a west country accent, (I’m not saying that hairy armpits on a woman isn’t sexy, I’m saying that hairy armpits on a woman OR a man isn’t sexy. You need to shave that shit).
I’m a sucker for blondes, blondes are very much my thing and Kate is normally blonde, HOWEVER, she was a brunette in this film, but I still very much fancied her so clearly my love for her is more than skin deep.
Anyway, I digress…
The story focused on Mary Anning (Kate Winslet), the world-famous fossil collector, dealer, and paleontologist, and Charlotte something (Saoirse Ronan) who was basically a rich woman from London suffering from depression and the horror of being married to a very dull man.
The dull man hires Mary to look after his depressed wife while he skips around Europe doing something or other, reluctantly Mary takes the rich woman in, and they eventually start banging (sorry, “fall in love”).
The Sexy Bits
It took over an hour to get to the first sexy bit, and it was suitably pleasant. But the next sexy bit didn’t happen for a while and I began to panic that the “Strong sex” wasn’t going to live up to its promise.
Thankfully, I was wrong.
When the full-on sexy bits came, it was, um, yeah… strong. Without being a total pervert, I saw more of Kate Winslet than I’d ever seen before, and I’ve seen all her movies and this isn’t the first time she’s got her bits out.
Obviously, while the sex is happening I try to give off my best “interested in this piece of art” face so that no one can tell how stupidly turned on I am.
Oh look, her bare breasts, how interesting, yar. Oh, she’s gone down on her, well that is thought-provoking.Me trying not to look horny
I don’t know if I’d want to watch it again. The film was good and the sex was good, but it was quite similar to the sex in Blue Is the Warmest Colour in that it was more “raw” than the glossy lovemaking shit I like from The L Word.
My loins are screaming out for sexy sex, not just sex. Ya get me?
It ended on a cliffhanger, which was interesting. No one died so that was good, (there was a time when most lesbian films ended with one of them dying).
We don’t know what did happen, but we do know that Mary went to visit Charlotte in London after Charlotte had to go back and live with her dull husband. Booooo. Husbands are so annoying like that, wanting their wives to live with them.
So Mary visits Charlotte and Charlotte does the typical lesbian thing of asking Mary to move in with her after 6 weeks. Though actually, that might be quite long in lesbian terms…
We don’t know what Mary decided to do as it ended with them staring at each other over a big fossil.
In my head, the perfect ending would have been that Charlotte left her husband, moved in with Mary in Lyme Regis, and they lived and worked in the little fossil shop, happily ever after.
Hopefully, this film will open Kate up to doing more gay roles, or at least convince her that she is actually gay and needs to stop marrying men, because it’s getting old now, Kate.
It’s getting old.