I had to take some time off before my holiday at work ran out so I thought I’d take my laptop up to the delightful city of Edinburgh and do some writing. Edinburgh is fucking amazing, there are also a lot of statues in Edinburgh, God they are so lovely and statue-like but there’s no women. In fact there’s more statues of dogs than women. In George Street there are some statues of blokes who were born into privilege and positions of power, not really warrant of a statue if you ask me, but you didn’t so there we are.
Apart from the whole statues thing there are many difference between Edinburgh and my hometown of London.
Things I’ve never seen in London but have seen in Edinburgh:
- Free condoms in a graveyard (there’s loads attached to the gates of New Calton Burial Ground, incase you want to shag near some dead bodies while overlooking Arthur’s Seat)
- A cyclist stop at a zebra crossing (I saw at least 3 in Edinburgh, the ones in London don’t even stop at red lights)
- A punk smile and say thanks to an elderly woman who said she liked his earring on a bus to Portobello
- A pint costing £4.90! Edinburgh what is going on? Sort it out mate.
Ever since I discovered the awesome Scottish Labour MSP Kezia Dugdale (thanks to itv) I’ve been a bit obsessed with Scottish politics and especially the women in it. For a brief moment I even considered getting into politics as a career choice, but then I saw how much hate and abuse the MSPs get and I thought fuck that; I’d rather have a root canal on every tooth in my head.
On the day that I was due to go to First Minister’s Questions I woke up with a bit of a hangover thanks to a bloody good lesbian Meetup group that I had attended the previous evening. Nevertheless I made my way down to Holyrood (that’s the Scottish parliament to those of us who don’t know, ahh, it’s lovely that they have their own parliament, very cute.) Anyway, I made my way through the airport style security, got my ticket from visitor services and made my way to the chamber.
Me and the rest of the audience were really close to the MSPs and there was no glass separating us from them either, the only bad thing was that we were sat behind the Scottish Tories (booooo). The thing about the chamber not having any glass between us and them meant that if I had wanted to stand up and declare my love to Nicola Sturgeon then I could have.
I won’t tell you about what was discussed during FMQs because it’s a little dry, even for me. But I will tell you that the best bit was when the MSPs started banging their desks, applauding loudly or talking over each other; it was like a big rowdy circus, very funny to watch. All in all the Scottish Parliament is very modern, very inspiring and full of women and gays, bloody fabulous.
When I left Holyrood I sat outside by the water, ate my pesto pasta and watched some sort of protest before dragging my flabby arse up Arthur’s Seat. I had climbed Arthur’s Seat 5 years ago when I came to Edinburgh to do a Fringe show, and I remembered the climb being piss easy, even in my broken converse trainers.
It wasn’t easy this time, although to be fair I was wearing chinos and carrying at least 4 stone more around my midrife. Before I had set off I had Googled when was the last time that Arthur’s Seat erupted, apparently it was 340 million years ago which didn’t make a lot of sense because I thought that the World is only a few thousands years old… #BibleBantz
After a lot of stopping to pretend that I was just taking a picture I got to the top and it was fucking stunning. The views were amazing and the fact that I had to struggle to climb up the dormant volanco in the mud and snow made it all the sweeter.
I was super happy, I was in Edinburgh, I had been to FMQs, I had finished the draft of my book and I was happy. That was until I started to climb back down. Everyone was going down the normal path but I saw a path that looked a lot more fun and challenging, my mum has always said that I was challenging. So of course I slipped over on my arse going down the path and had mud all up my trousers and my coat. I took my trousers off to see if I could wash them with my water and wipe them on the grass, but I couldn’t because there was so much mud. Instead I just swore to myself while standing on a dormant volcano with my trousers off and with a large Chinese family on the next hilly bit taking a picture of me.
Once I got down I trekked (with a soggy bottom) to Calton Hill to see some more beautiful sights of Edinburgh and then finally made my way back to my hotel. Upon entering my room I immediately took my muddy trousers off and threw them on the floor, safe in the knowledge that I had some jeans with me to go out in that night. A few minutes before I planned to go out I looked for the pair of jeans that I’d brought with me. Alas, I did not bring them with me. So I had to quickly wash my trousers in the sink and then sit in my pants blow drying them with a shit hairdryer while watching The One Show. Eventually I gave up and put my pjamas bottoms on underneath my soggy trousers before venturing out for a well deserved burger.