You may think you know how to be English but let me tell you, it’s not all tea and Tories, sometimes it’s tits and treacle.
I know that everyone wants to be English, it’s really something wonderful to aspire to, therefore, I have taken it upon myself to write this utterly silly guide to help you.*
WHICH CLASS AM I?
The first thing you need to do to become English is pick which class you fit into, just because those idiots over in America think that English people are all top hats and stiff upper lip, it doesn’t mean that we are. I mean a lot of us are, but we also have this place called “the north” where people are rather unpleasant and savage-like.
Thanks to our lovely class system English people can be one of three things, posh, boring or chavvy. Posh, means that you’re rich and as stuck up as a tampon, boring means you communicate using only “please” and “thank you”. And Chavvy, means that you’re as common as muck who is liking to stab someone for stealing the bathtub out of your front garden.
WHAT JOB SHOULD I DO?
You need to understand darling that posh people don’t work, they are worked for. But everyone needs something to do, right? So, if you’re upper class then why not sit on the board of big businesses or dabble in a bit of hedge funding for shits and giggles? If only being born into privilege and speaking the Queen’s English was enough to keep oneself busy.
If you’re one of those boring people who communicate in pleasantries, then sit your arse on a chair and work in an office for 40 years before realising that you’ve wasted your life and are going to die of tediousness.
Don’t know what a hedge fund is? Does the idea of working in an office make you want to glass someone? Then I suggest you put on a high-vis jacket and get up a ladder, because it’s manual labour all the way for you Sonny Jim. Perhaps you could do something like brick laying, or table waiting at Nando’s (during peak-hipster hours), or maybe get yourself a van with “Clive’s House Clearing” on the side of it and steal the possessions of the recently deceased.
HOW DO I ADDRESS PEOPLE?
Aside from the regular Joe Blogs who just goes around having conversations with people using just the words “please” and “thank you”, you will need to learn how to address people.
If you are rich are fabulous then you will naturally treat everyone like your staff, because people are there to serve you and if they are not currently serving you then they are, quite frankly, a bloody inconvenience.
However, if you’re common as muck then you will be very friendly to people, but you’ll also be quite threatening and prone to homicidal outbursts. You don’t like it when people:
– Look at you for too long
– Judge you for putting your washing outside
– Cross the road to avoid your Staffordshire Bull Terrier
– Suggest that maybe you should stop having so many bastard children
HOW DO I FEEL ABOUT THINGS?
Normally you don’t really feel, you just are, ridiculously privileged that is. Unless you grew up on a council estate and have yet to escape the place, in which case you feel angry and bitter about most things.
To the average Joe, everything is “just fine” and at no point do you want to deter from the norm. If you’re rough then you’ll feel quite irate about things like the price of fags going up, or what Brexit means to the economy and the devestating effect it will have on society.
Those of us who are very much entitled will have jolly strong views on things, for example, the royal family (what poorpers), the Tories (what heroes) and Scotland (what silly jocks, why can’t they just be happy that we let them be apart of Britain?)
However you want to “be English”, just make sure that you constantly say things like “frightful”, “spiffing” and “splendid” oh, and always discuss the current behaviour of the weather at the earliest opportunity.