Being a waitress/waiter is some nasty-ass business, even the most people-loving person will end up wishing that they were getting a root canal done on every tooth in their head rather than serving in a restaurant.
1) Table for 16 please
While I was a waitress I would frequently get large groups on people entering the restaurant asking for a table of 16.
‘Have you booked?’
‘Fantastic! We have many tables for 16 people just lying about; also it’s absolutely fine to pop in during our busy lunch hour when the only chef working is as pissed as a fart.’
No… Who walks round town as a table for 16, suddenly decides that they want something to eat and doesn’t book? Do you think we have tables for 16 just hanging about? The fact that we did, always, have more than enough room to accommodate them was neither here nor there.
2) Part waitress/part child minder
Yes, it’s lovely that you’ve got children, congratulations for pushing an eight pound squishy blob out of your vagina. And you even managed to get out of the house and bring the little darlings with you, fabulous.
HOWEVER, I am your waitress, not your nanny, so if your child wees on the floor then at least try to look like you’re cleaning it up. If your gorgeous little princess throws her pizza at the wall, or your little prince scribbles all over the chairs then it is your job to clean them up. Sorry, but it’s your own fault for having unprotected sex.
3) I’d like to make a few adjustments
Granted the menu isn’t always exactly how we’d like it, but there is a line that you shouldn’t cross when making some adjustments to your meal.
‘I’ll have the steak and chips, but instead of the steak I’ll have a chicken and instead of the chips, I’ll have a jacket potato. Oh, and instead of the coleslaw I’ll have a side salad.’ And instead of a plate would you like a bowl? Instead of a knife and fork would you prefer two spoons?
4) Everything is my fault
Yes the cheese is out of stock and the kids over at table 11 won’t stop crying, both are my fault because I ate all the cheese and then I told the kids that they weren’t planned.
Oh and you know how the chef burnt your pizza? That’s my fault too, I kept him talking too long about the new smells I’ve discovered coming out of my belly button. Also, you know the toilet blockage? Sorry not sorry…
5) Chefs vs Waiting staff
I ate a lot of the stock, I got to keep the tips even though the chefs were the ones sweating their balls/boobs off in the kitchen. Plus, I would tell tables that their food would be five minutes even though the chefs had just told me that their food would be ready in about 25 minutes.
There really is a sort of divide between chefs and waiting staff, perhaps it’s because the waiting staff are the gorgeous stars of the show and the chefs are the producers; it wouldn’t work without either of them but at the end of the day it’s the poster of the Hollywood star you’ve got on your wall, not the producer. Either that or it’s because a lot of chefs are stressy and most waiting staff are food thieves.
Also, if the chefs hate a customer they don’t have to put on a big fake smiley face, they can call them a complete thundercunt and damn all their kids to hell in the privacy of the kitchen. The waiting staff however, have to smile, continue to kiss the customer’s arse and keep the self-hatred bottled-up until home time.
6) Stupid-ass questions
Are you still open? Well the chairs are all stacked, we’ve all got our coats on and we’re locking the front door, so what do you think?
Please don’t think that we (the waiting staff) find all our customers annoying and irritating, because we don’t feel like that. We just wish you’d engage your brain a bit more before asking what’s in the chicken caesar salad, it’s on the fucking menu bitch.
7) Fussy eaters
You don’t eat meat and that’s great, congratulations on being a total winner. Oh, you’re gluten-free and vegan? Fantastic, I love a challenge. But if little Timmy is allergic to everything other than air then don’t bring him out to a restaurant. Theodore only likes anchovies on his pizza? Well fuck me sideways, that’s one horrendous child you’re bringing up.
A few tips on how to #win at dining out
Tips on how to act in a restaurant:
- Make sure you click your fingers and shout “Oi love” at the waitress, they really love it!
- If for some reason you cannot pick up the mess you’ve left all over the floor then don’t worry about leaving a tip, we do this for fun not for money
- Please look at the fat waitress’s belly as it wobbles towards you (so many times people would watch me wobble and it made me feel super great)
- If you’ve got something to say then don’t worry if your server is currently in the middle of taking an order, busy blocking up the toilet or crying while chain smoking out the back, just go right ahead and disturb them
Contrary to this blog, I did have some bloody lovely customers when I was a waitress, but I did also put on 5 stone due to all the free food that I stole…