1) Which one wears the trousers?
We both like wearing a nice pair of slacks, or dungarees, combat trousers, army pants – we definitely don’t fit any sort of lesbian stereotype if that’s what you were thinking
2) Which one is the man?
Neither of us, because, you know, that’s the point…
3) How do you know that you’re a lesbian if you’ve never had sex with a man?
I have had sex with a man
Heckler: She hasn’t!
I have… It was very confusing and I was so scared of getting pregnant that I decided to become a lesbian so I could have worry free sex
4) Would you like a threesome with a bloke?
No, please look up the definition of lesbian
5) Do you hate men?
No, just the ones who are dicks. I don’t hate men I just don’t want to sleep with them or be anywhere near their dangly bits
6) Don’t all lesbians hate men, burn their bra and have hairy armpits?
No that’s stereotypical feminists in the 1970’s. Plus I’ve never burnt my bra, mainly because I never wear a bra FREEEEEEEEDOM!
7) Why do you dress like men?
So that straight girls fall in love with us. It’s all part of our big lesbian recruitment scheme. That and men’s clothes are toes more comfy, cheaper and don’t accentuate our flabby bits.
8) How do you have sex?
Well I won’t go into detail but it involves a tortoise, Clare Balding and some industry strength gaffer tape
9) You’re too pretty to be a lesbian
No one has ever said this to me, bastards
10) Who’s going to have the baby?
It depends who’s the most hungry
11) Will you use a sperm bank or a friend?
If we wanted a baby then I think we’d discuss it first and then decide which route to go down. But don’t worry I’ll keep you posted.
12) I’ve had enough of men, maybe I should become a lesbian
Fantastic, welcome. All you need are these 10 things to become a fully qualified doughnut bumper
Do you want to be a lesbian or perhaps a better lesbian? Fantastic! You may think that being a lesbian is as simple as being sexually attracted to just women, well you are wrong my friend. So very, very wrong. But not to worry, let’s put your stupidness behind us and get on with this very helpful, informative and not at all silly guide. Being a lesbian is a way of life, it’s an attitude, it’s a fragrance. Learn how to become a proper lesbian with this hilarious guide!