You may think that being a doughnut bumper is fantastic and the best thing a woman could be, and you’d be right but you’d also be wrong. There are many bad things about being a lesbian, there’s the haircuts, the scene queens and the cost of Super Dry clothing – it all adds up. Here are the top 7 things that you non-lezzas don’t have to put up with like us lezzas do:
1) Dual PMT
It such a laugh when we’re both raging hormonal bitches who want to stab each other in the face with a fork. The myth that women sync periods when they live together is absolute bollocks, so we don’t have dual PMT every month but when we do… It. Is. Hell.
2) People say stupid things to you
When people learn that you’re a lesbo they like to say and ask you stupid things. For example, which one wears the trousers? Which one is the man? Do you know Clare Balding? How do you know you’re gay if you’ve never slept with a man? Here are 12 other fantastically shite things non-lesbians say to lesbians.
3) Everyone thinks you can grout your shower
Just because I’m a big fat lesbo who knows their way around a tool box, it doesn’t mean I know how to use a chistle. No I cannot fix your car, plaster your wall or build you an extension. I can however put up some wonky shelves, show you how to change a light bulb and build you a chest of drawers (as long as they come with very detailed instructions and/or a demo).
4) You feel the need to come out to everyone
Unfortunately once a lesbian comes out to their parents they are not finished coming out; in life they will need to come out to everyone, e.g. their neighbour, their colleagues, their gynaecologist etc. If you’ve got a Justin Bieber haircut and a large amount of non-flowery tattoos then your appearance alone should be enough to tell everyone who you bat for; but if not then subtly dropping the word “partner” into a conversation will let people know.
5) Straight girls think you fancy them
OMG you’re a lesbian? Were you a lesbian when we shared a bed as kids? Yes I was, but I was only 7 so don’t worry, you were never in any sort of danger. Sometimes we do fancy straight girls and sometimes we fancy the local checkout girl in Aldi but that doesn’t mean we fancy all straight girls and all Aldi employees, get it?
6) Guys think you want a three-some
We fancy women, exclusively, so just because those lesbians you’ve seen online like a bit of male interference, doesn’t mean we all do. It’s like going for a vegan meal and someone plopping a Cumberland sausage on your plate and wanting you to rub it; ain’t no one got time for dat. If you want to have a three-some then go find some bi-sexuals or get a puppy because you’re clearly just craving some attention.
7) No one knows how we have sex
Everyone asks us this, even a taxi driver asked my girlfriend how she had sex. What the fuck guys? Although to be honest we don’t even know how we have sex so when straight people ask us we’ve no idea what to tell them. We simply say that it involves a chicken, two metres of blue string and a half eaten bag of jelly babies and leave it at that.
Did you enjoy this blog and do you want to be a lesbian or perhaps just a better one? Fantastic! You may think that being a lesbian is as simple as being sexually attracted to women, well you are wrong my friend. So very, very wrong. But not to worry, let’s put your stupidness behind us and get on with this very helpful, informative and not at all silly guide. Being a lesbian is a way of life, it’s an attitude, it’s a fragrance. Learn how to become a proper lesbian with this hilarious guide!