Are you a sad, lonely and desperate lesbian? Sucks to be you! But that’s beside the point. What you need to do is go lesbian online dating! No longer do we live in the world of dating websites for straight people only, (some of the old ones used to show you only men’s profiles if you said that you were female), we now have lesbian dating on nearly all platforms. What if you’re a bald vegan of colour who only refers to themselves as Jumbalia? Well, then I’m sure that there’s a dating platform for you as well.
Lesbian online dating and stigma
Yes, there’s a bit of a stigma about finding someone online, but who the fuck has time and money to go to a bar every weekend when you can find a date using your phone while on the lav? Exactly, my point! My girlfriend and I met on a dating website and I know other couples who also met online and are still together even after seven years; they’ve got married, had unprotected sex and produced a couple of kids, what a dream.
It’s funny because when gay men meet on Grindr they don’t seem to have any qualms about how they met the person they’re about to bump uglies with, but us lesbians are a bit more reserved. This could be to do with the different cultures of gay men and women, but that huge topic is for another blog.
Unlike gay men, lesbians have a more timid approach when it comes to meeting a potential mate. If you’re at a bar and you see a nice-looking lady, you don’t want to approach her, ask her name, have some banter, then exchange numbers. No. What you want to do is stare at her from across the other side of the room for the entire night. You may then choose to find out her name (just for online stalking purposes), but you certainly don’t want to appear keen. That’s not the lesbian way.
Gay men, however, well I know some that are absolute sluts having the time of their life with multiple partners, what a dream.
Creating your profile
Let’s be honest, the picture is the most important part of your profile, you might be hilarious and bloody lovely but if you look like a moose I’m swiping left, or is it right? I don’t know which way to swipe because I’ve been in a relationship for Tinder’s entire lifetime. Ensure that your profile picture is just of you (looking good) and doesn’t feature any sort of weird shit that you have. For example, if you’re really into gimp masks maybe save that until the third date instead of having your entire collection in your picture.
- Be lighthearted and fun, unless you’re not lighthearted and fun, in which case just be yourself,
- Be nice,
- Smile in your photo, (unless you’re a rock star), but don’t take a picture from a low angle with a face like a smacked arse,
- Write what you want and not want you think other people want to read. If you’re a crackhead with bad breath then put that, be your true self child,
- Write too little,
- Write too much,
- Be a dick (in life in general, not just on lesbian dating sites),
- Lead with the fact that you’re new to being a lesbian and have never been with a woman before,
- Be negative even if you’re a real pessimistic Perry. Maybe just slowly release your negativity over the course of the relationship,
- Be a man looking for a 3-some, there are places reserved in hell for you asshats,
Don’t just say “Hi”
When you compose a message have a think about what message you’d like to receive. Because “Hi” doesn’t get any conversation started, neither does “how are you?” But don’t write a huge fuck off essay and reveal everything before you’ve even met, because then you leave zero things to talk about when you do meet. For example, if you’ve got three legs and a fourth eye then keep that for the first date, everyone loves surprises. Also, don’t just sit chatting on the website for months on end before meeting, you’re not looking for a pen pal.
Sometimes the algorithms are lying mother fuckers, I was almost 93% match with one lady once, we went on a date and it turned out that she was the Indian version of me. As lovely as I am I don’t want to date myself, or do I?
I won my girlfriend over with my first message (and obviously my ridiculously good looks, humungous sex appeal and hilarious sense of humour); I read through her profile and then I mentioned the bits that I was interested in in the message. For example, she’s Scottish and moved down to London so I asked her why and then I sent her a picture of my huge jugs and God damn she was won*.
*Lies, all lies.