Suz and I had heard from some lesbian friends that Thailand was an amazing country and open minded when it comes to LGBT communities. So we packed our stuff and made our way to the airport. After a long ass journey that consisted of a 5 minute Uber ride, a 16 minute train ride, a 6 & ½ hour flight, a 2 hour wait and another 6 ½ hour flight we finally arrived in the land of the Thais. We had a 2 hour stopover in Dubai, a country I have never wanted or expected to go to. Dubai airport; full of gold, marble, rich Arabs, rich white people and loads of poorer people waiting for their connecting flight.
Waiting in the passport queue at Phuket international airport we saw signs on every passport desk that read: “Disrespect Buddha is against the law. To get tattoo of Buddha shows no respect and wrong.” Bollocks, there goes my awesome buddha in an Om tattoo design.
Driving in Phuket
Since moving to Croydon I’ve realised that drivers on the road are mental, but then I took the hour-long taxi ride from the airport to our hotel. Holy mother it was extreme, the driver occasionally used his hand-break to help him stop because he was going too fast. The cars and millions of motorbikes/scooters weaved in and out of the traffic with immense speed and the people on the bikes carried as much as they physically could; chairs, weekly shopping, small children and elderly relatives. Why get a car when you can fit the entirety of your family and life’s possessions on the back of a moped?
Unfortunately our hotel had been changed a month before we were due to go to Thailand due to “emergency renovations”, however the new hotel seemed to be in a good location, even if the pool did look a bit shite. The receptionist greeted us with a big smile and a question: “Do you know there is just one bed? It’s two beds pushed together but we can separate them.” No it’s fine, we told her, couldn’t she tell that we were big fat lesbians? Perhaps lesbians look different in Thailand, (they don’t, they’re just a lot thinner and wear less polo shirts).
Finally we checked into our room, which was huge, the two beds pushed together were in fact two king size beds. In fact the bed was so big that I had to call Suz on her mobile when I wanted to wish her goodnight. After a three hour nap we changed into our cossies and went to the beach. With the gorgeous sand between our toes and sun on our faces we ran into the warm water. Five minutes later we ran back out after being stung by lots of “tiny microscopic invisible jellyfish”. I pulled my arm up and a web-like string came with it, the stings were sharp and produced rashes all over my body.
After some Googling we learnt that these jellyfish are associated only with Karon beach so hopefully we wouldn’t find any when we went to Patong or Phi Phi island. Oh, except for the box jellyfish, they can be anywhere and will easily kill you, but those little jellyfish, they’re are just in Karon. Excellent.
In the evening we went for a walk and we came across a couple, they asked us for the time and as soon as Suz answered the woman asked, ‘are you from Scotland?’ After establishing that they too were from Scotland and that I was from England (‘ignore her she’s from England’ Suz playfully tells people), the couple told us which restaurants were good, what places to visit and what to do while we were here. The woman looked and acted a lot like Suz’s mum, oh Christ she’s followed us here!
A wild night in Patong
In the evening we jumped into a tuk tuk and made our way to Patong for a night out, bloody hell the tuk tuks are fun; loud music and a weak engine meant that the very hilly ride to Patong was exciting/terrifying. Is there a gear lower than 1st? Apparently not.
We told the driver to drop us off where the drinking happens, he said it was too early for that so he dropped us off at the place where the eating happens. Too early? I know I’m not 18 anymore but 9pm is not early. Anyway we ate dinner before walking around where the girls in the bars would wave and shout hello at you as you passed. Gosh isn’t everyone friendly? We started our drinking in an Aussie bar because it had a pool table and a Thai woman came to play as well which I thought was a) great because I was shite and didn’t want to play anymore and b) very friendly of her.
Off to Bangla road!
Once we’d finished playing pool she then brought out a Connect 4 from behind the bar. It finally clicked; she was being paid to play with us so that we’d buy more drinks. The Thai girl asked if Suz and I were friends and we told her that we were partners, she laughed. She also told us that she’d never seen snow, so really she’s the one who’s odd.
After we eventually escaped the overly friendly Aussie bar we walked down to the famous Bangla road that everyone kept talking about. It was like Magaluf in Thailand but without the annoying British teenagers. People were everywhere, there were dancers and acrobatics outside the bars, there was a man on a chin pull up bar with a sign next to him that said “2 minute chin pull up = free Whiskey. 200 Baht per attempt”. The whiskey only cost 220 baht.
Ping Pong Menu
In between the crowds hundreds of Thai men and women held cards with a menu on:
- Ping pong show
- Egg show
- Frog show
- Banana show
- Hamster show
These people thrust the menu in your face inviting you to a show, one woman even looked at Suz and I and pointed out that there was a lesbian show. Excellent, we love nothing more than two straight Thai women having lesbian sex for a group of intrigued tourist. Really gets us going.
Then we went to see a boy show…