When I told my mum that Amsterdam is famous for the coffee shops she didn’t believe me and instead said that she didn’t like coffee. I expected more coffee shops but there were plenty of druggie shops where we were offered magic mushrooms, ecstasy and female Viagra.

‘It will keep her going for hours and hours.’ The shop assistant told my girlfriend. He was right, in fact I’m still going right now…

Red Light district & Sex Museum

When we explored the red light district we noticed that the girls weren’t wearing much, there were far too many tourists and the girls never make eye contact with women. As we made our way down one of the streets a group of young guys were cheering their friend who had just left a window. I thought if the curtains were closed then that girl just hadn’t started her shift yet, or was having a quick snack break, enjoying a chicken sandwich and Irn Bru. But as I found out, it means that the lady was currently entertaining a “gentleman” with some part of her anatomy.

Having been to Paris and spent €10 on a Jack Daniels and coke, we thought that nothing could be as expensive. But holy smoke Amsterdam is mental. We paid €6.40 for a glass of Pepsi Max. Weed = cheap, Pepsi = expensive.


We thought that the sex museum would be a) really entertaining b) hilarious and c) quite horny but it actually turned out to be rather boring. There were lots of vaginas and penises, naturally, but once you’ve seen twelve you’ve kinda seen them all.
‘Oh look dear, another willy.’
‘Meh, shall we go and have lunch?’
‘Yes!’

Amsterdam’s Canal Cruise and Anne Frank’s house

Canal cruises are advertised all over the place and I got my girlfriend to put her hand up over the sign so that it said anal cruises; hilarious I can tell you. We went for a night time anal cruise which was lovely except for the bastard child on the boat who found it necessary to keep banging the table with her water bottle for the entire trip. The parents were both massive hippies, which is awesome, I’m not judging their style; I’m just judging their lack of ability to tell their child to shut the hell up.

Anne Frank’s house was interesting and surprising. Interesting, because we actually walked through the bookcase to where her family were hiding and surprising because there was a lack of tacky souvenirs in the gift shop. There were books, notebooks and respectful items on sale, with no rubbers, soft toys or shot glasses in sight.

At the Heineken experience however, if you can fit the words Heineken on it – then you can buy it. Sadly there was no gift shop at the sex museum.

The weed was similar; if you can put weed in it, then you can buy it here. Cannabis shampoo and conditioner may have been the most bizarre item I saw for sale. The constant aroma of weed reminded me of being back in Croydon.

Overall the city was very pretty, very cold and very expensive but I had a great time.

Cost of beer: €7 per pint
Rating: 6.5/10

By | 2018-07-02T16:54:39+00:00 April 5th, 2017|

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