With a few drinks down us we made our way to what we were told was the gay district in Patong called Paradise Soi. Yay, finally we can be around our people! Except it turned out that the gay district was, like most gay districts around the world, full of men. And topless men at that.
As we sat outside a bar enjoying a drink a drunken Thai man came up to us, he kneeled in front of Suz and started yelping. He encouraged Suz to do it too, louder and higher, he said to Suz, she tried to copy him, it was a very confusing few seconds. He then got up and got us a Tequila shot each for our attempt. What the fuck just happened? Was he being paid by the bar to give people free shots of Tequila in return for yelping?
In the bar opposite us a series of very beautiful topless men were pulling people into see the “Boy Show” that was just about to start. A boy show! That’ll be great, I thought, but Jenna you’re gay? I am but I thought it would be nice to see men objectified for a change. Besides, men dancing naked is funny, women dancing naked makes me question my allegiance to the feminist movement.
A boy show
Entering the bar we saw two larger white gay men on a sofa with a small Thai man in the middle of them, four nearly naked dancers erotically dancing onstage and one guy at the front looking bored on his phone. After a terrible drag act, (why do gays like drag acts? I can’t stand them, when Suz watches Rupaul’s Drag Race I have to leave the room), a guy with a huge penis wrapped in a condom came dancing on stage. Another guy wearing pants joined him, the penis guy pulled down the other’s pants a little bit and put his peanut into the other guy’s bum, they changed position, swivelled upside down and pretended to have bum sex.
Suz says they were actually having the bum sex but I disagree, there was a protruding lump at the bottom of the guy’s pants which I think was the other guy’s huge dong.
After the pretend/real sex a guy with a hard-on and tiny pants came on and did some very sexy dancing, he rubbed lotion on his skin (insert Hannibal Lecture slurp) before walking into the audience and getting people to rub the lotion on his body. I’ve never felt a body that muscly and that beautifully sculpted, he was like a God, with a massive hard on.
‘Babe give him a tip he’s got his cock out,’ Suz said to me as a guy holding his willy and a bowl of money walked towards us.
Making friends in the gay bar, gay bar, I wanna take you to a gay bar
At the end of the show all of the boys come on stage with numbers pinned to their pants, they danced on the spot and rotated around the different stages in the room. We asked why they had numbers of them and we were told because that’s how you pick which one you want to be with. Ah right, well watching gay bum sex is one thing but picking one to be with is quite another. We tipped the two cute ones that kept smiling at us and left.
The Boat Bar is apparently the best gay bar in Phuket – according to the internet. It isn’t. It was only 2am when the bar shut and we met a German man named Michael who told us of a bar that has a lock-in. A lock-in! 18 year old me would be really impressed.
A lock in and ride home
We got to the little lock-in bar where an older guy from Newcastle was sat outside with his Thai girlfriend, oh yeah one of those. We stayed at the bar for another two hours drinking and chatting to Michael from Hamburg (who had a gay sister) and more white older men with their Thai girlfriends came in for a drink. It was 4 o’clock when we realised that although we aren’t 84 we were in fact bloody tired and wanted to go home.
We got into the first tuk tuk we saw, which needed a push start, and rode all the way up and down the hills to our hotel. 4:30am we go to bed. Like I said, 18 year old me would be super impressed.