When I told my mum that Amsterdam is famous for the coffee shops she didn’t believe me and instead said that she didn’t like coffee. I expected more coffeeshops but there were plenty of druggie shops where we were offered magic mushrooms, ecstasy and female viagra.

‘It will keep her going for hours and hours.’ The shop assistant told my girlfriend. He was right, in fact I’m still going right now. So many lolz.

Red Light district & Sex Museum

When we explored the red light district we noticed that the girls weren’t wearing much, there were far too many tourists and the girls never make eye contact with women. As we made our way down one of the streets a group of young guys were cheering their friend who had just left a window. I thought if the curtains were closed then that girl just hadn’t started her shift yet. But as I found out, it means that the lady is currently, um, entertaining a gentleman. Gentleman? Ha!

Having been to Paris and spent €10 on a Jack Daniels and coke, we thought that nothing could be as expensive. But holy fucking smoke Amsterdam is mental. We paid €6.40 for a glass of Pepsi Max. Weed cheap, Pepsi expensive.

Sex is fun, so we went to the sex museum which actually turned out to be rather boring. Lots of vaginas and penises and once you’ve seen twelve you’ve kinda seen them all.
‘Oh look dear, another willy.’


Canal Cruise and Anne Frank’s house

Canal cruises are advertised all over the place and I got Suzie to put her hand up over the sign so that it said anal cruises; god it was hilarious. We went for a night time anal cruise, sorry canal cruise; which was lovely except for the bastard child on the boat who found it necessary to keep banging the table with her water bottle for the entire trip. The parents were both massive hippies, which is awesome, I’m not judging their style; I’m just judging their lack of ability to tell their child to shut the fuck up.

Anne Frank’s house was interesting and surprising. Interesting, because we actually walked through the bookcase to where her family were hiding and surprising because there was a lack of tacky souvenirs in the gift shop. There were books, notebooks and respectful items on sale, but no rubbers, soft toys or shot glasses. At the Heineken experience however, if you can fit the words Heineken on it – then you can buy it. Sadly there was no gift shop at the sex museum.

The weed was similar; if you can put weed in it, then you can buy it in Amsterdam. Cannabis shampoo and conditioner may have been the most bizarre item I saw for sale. The constant aroma of weed reminded me of being back in Croydon.

Overall Amsterdam was very pretty, very cold and very expensive but I had a great time.

Cost of beer: €7 per pint – shitting expensive
Rating: 6.5/10

By | 2018-05-18T07:47:27+00:00 April 5th, 2017|

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